The Hellhole

Monday, March 07, 2005

My next-door neighbors, The Door-Slammin’ Family From Outer Space, have developed a new annoying habit: they are garbologically impaired.

Our subdivision is outside the city limits; there is no municipal trash pickup and unless you aspire to being written up in one of those “News of the Weird” columns, you arrange for a private contractor to collect your refuse. This is fine with me as I pay less per quarter than the people inside the city proper pay for a single month. I use All-South Robertson Waste myself, as do a few others nearby. Others in my vicinity use Dixie Sanitation, Reliable, Smith or Speedy. Each of those companies issues you a big ol’ green garbage can with their name emblazoned thereon and each has a different collection day.

The Door-Slammin’ Family From Outer Space relocated to the burbs from Atlanta, which I know because they stole one of their trash cans therefrom - “City of Atlanta Sanitation” is stenciled boldly on the side. I’m not sure exactly when they moved in but they’ve been there since November, at least, because I wrote a blog entry making fun of their habit of generating 10 - 12 car-door-slams per single-person trip/per vehicle in early December. Point is, they've been in residence plenty long enough to figure out the garbage-disposal program. Or so one would think.

If they thought the city or county handled it, but weren’t sure which one or what day, wouldn’t you think they’d call to find out? And be told that they had to arrange for it themselves? If they didn’t do that, wouldn’t they be compelled to call the municipality of choice in an outrage when their garbage wasn’t picked up for a month? And then be told what the dealio is? Barring that, wouldn’t you think they’d notice all the various names painted on the cans of their neighbors? And, I dunno, DO something? Well, apparently they chose to spy upon those around them, and put out their trash whenever we did.

Surprisingly, putting their trash at the curb on Fridays, when I do, netted them nothing as they are not a customer of All-South Robertson. Putting their trash out on Mondays like the old geez across the street didn’t do any good, either, because he uses Speedy Sanitation. Then I believe they assumed some sort of odd/even pickup was going on, because they put the trash at the curb on Saturdays, then again the following Tuesday, two weeks in succession. Nothing. They tried Thursdays and were again denied. In the meantime, the trash is growing exponentially because there are at least two adults and three children in residence, plus this auxiliary guy adult that may or may not actually live there.

You’d think at this point, they’d either call the city/county or ask a neighbor, because obviously they weren’t getting whatever cryptic, top-secret pattern we were using to achieve waste removal. But nooo, instead last week they began the new experiment of putting their trash at the curb Every. Single. Morning. They are now up to two of the giant, rolling green cans (the one stolen from the City of Atlanta and another left behind by the previous occupants, my beloved Shouting Redneck Family) plus a cardboard box and two white handle-tie bags. Every morning they put this pile of crap at the curb, every evening it’s still there.

I can understand that someone who’d lived his entire life in the city might not instinctively know that he’d have to arrange privately for garbage pickup when he moved. But after a while, wouldn’t you WONDER what the problem was? Wouldn’t you investigate why your trash wasn’t being collected and why none of your neighbors were having difficulty? WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?!? I can’t decide if: (a) they’re still hoping they’ll get Collection Day right eventually, or (b) they’re gambling that one (or several) of the sanitation companies will pick their trash up in error and they won't have to pay, or (c) figuring someone like Elderly Geez across the street will get disgusted, put their garbage in with his and they won’t have to pay or (d) my favorite theory - that Ma and Pa don't speak to each other. Ma pays the bills and knows they don't have sanitation service, while towing garbage curbside is Pa's bailiwick. Pa puts the trash at the curb each morning, hoping today's the day it will get collected, but since they aren't speaking, neither will admit that there's a problem.

As a corollary to Theory D, I think that when someone they need to impress is coming over, like a mother-in-law or a pastor or something, they hide all the garbage in their cars - which is a smelly business, but explains all the door-slammin' that goes on.

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!

2 Comments:

  • I just read that for the second time and I have tears running down my face. You are SO FUNNY!

    By Blogger Nancy, at 9:27 PM  

  • In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, we experienced a violent storm with winds up to 40mph. So Tuesday evening I get home, and guess where the garbage, or at least some of the garbage, of the Door Slammin' Family from Outer Space is NOW?!? Hmpf.

    By Blogger Helly, at 9:32 AM  

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