Ass bees and honey

Yesterday we were out running some errands. A song came on the radio and I heard the line "ass bees and honey". Now I listen to some outre music on occasion, but -

"The HELL?!?" I said. "Ass bees and honey?!?"

Alan replied, "I am equal parts sure that's not the correct lyric and certain that's what I heard."

A little later, the line repeated in the song: 'I want to cover you with ass bees and honey'.

While we were in B.J.'s, we kept joking about this - we needed to head to the garden section for ass bee repellent, we needed ass bee salve from the health aisle. Then we stopped at Applebee's for some dinner, which coincidentally enough, was the place we'd eaten on our first date, also a July 3rd! We didn't plan it that way but it was cool.

During our meal, we were talking about that line. Certain we were hearing it wrongly, we were trying to puzzle out what the actual lyric was; what sounded enough like "ass", went with "bees" and made sense? Alan settled upon "S.B.'s", an abbreviation for which he volunteered no explanation, "but, see, I'd know if I was young and hip, like fans of that band, and I bet it means SOMETHING". I voted for "recipes and honey" and when Alan pointed out that this made absolutely NO sense, I countered with the multi-faceted and bizarre sex kinks readily found on the internet, by which covering someone in recipes and honey paled in comparison. I mean, after spending half an hour on alt.net, coating a sex partner in recipes and honey sounds positively TAME.

So, we're sitting there munching away on some boneless buffalo wings and the big-screen TVS have ESPN on, which aired a segment about the Astros-Padres game being delayed because a swarm of bees infested Petco park! But were those ass bees? When that happens, do you need a beekeeper or a proctologist? What if you have ass bees and 'roids at the same time? What do you do?!? WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?!?

It was pretty rough on sweet little Ryan, our regular waiter, because every time he approached we were snorting and laughing. He had to guess - "Uh, the California shrimp salad, right? With extra dressing? And you want the bacon cheeseburger? Is medium rare okay? Sir? Sir??? SIR?!?"

Good thing we tip well.

BTW, it's Blue October's song "Dirt Room" and he wants to cover you with ants bees and honey. I like our version better.

This is the bottom of Alan's desk - it has this little bottom shelf/footrest thing that is very close to the carpet. My Spongebob trash can though. Well, little Esme gets between the desk and the file cabinet sometimes to nap. Much to Alan's surprise, she is wee enough to maneuver under the desk, from one end to the other; she's too tall to walk under but she does the patented army crawl (she is very determined).

Alan realized that she fit under there when she invented a new game: she'd would skulk under, hide for a bit and then suddenly dart out to nom his toes. Then yesterday, she ran out from the far right side of the desk, a clacking noise accompanying her flight. Alan looked to see what was making the noise, and she came flying out with a white thing that wasn't a bone in her mouth.

He shouted, "Esme! Stop!" but of course she didn't, so he gave chase. Through the house they ran, with him wondering as he pursued her what on earth she had found. Finally he cornered her in the bedroom.

Space bar.

Space bar from a defunct Mac keyboard that was behind the desk. We have enough dog toys in this house to open our own Petco - seriously, we do - and she has to divest a keyboard of its space bar to find something to amuse her.

I have some comments to add to my "65 Questions" meme. For #27, ever been on a train?, I answered "Not unless you count amusement park trains. I've ridden trains at Stone Mountain and other similar places, but not for real." To me, "train" meant a locomotive, with an engine and a caboose and a Great Eponymous Robbery - you know, the kind that Brenden likes. But as the meme circulates, I've seen many people answering in terms of commuter rail; if that counts, yes I have. I rode the Metro fairly often when I lived in Washington, DC and I've ridden MARTA trains here in Atlanta a handful of times.

As far as #26, I've been chastised for making it sound like prank phone calls were something I did as a naughty child, whereas in reality they have continued well into adulthood, as noted here and here. I prank call poor Sheila a lot but luckily for me, she is highly amused and not annoyed by me. More mundane pranks involve calling her and saying something like "Is this the [unintelligible garble]?" or asking for a fake/punny name and seeing how long I can go before she realizes it's me or I start laughing.

Now, for some housekeeping (blogkeeping?). About a month ago I ran a blog contest to give away Top Gear Season 10 on DVD, crappiest car wins. I've let it go too long without an announcement, but I was torn about choosing a winner. First entry was Sandy with a 1976 Pinto, so my initial thought was, "Game over in one!" However, upon consideration I wondered if it could really win a crappy car contest considering that she "LOVED" it (actual admission). I decided to wait and weigh hers against the other entrants.

Technically, I ought to disqualify Heather, because she didn't identify the make and model of the car in question. I mean, being unable to turn off your brights in a '75 Gremlin is one thing, but in a '75 Rolls Royce Silver Shadow? One is unfortunate, the second a suitable treatment of peasants.

Bo didn't identify the Cherry Bomb, either, but since he's my brother I knew it was a Chevrolet Cavalier, a 1983 or 1984 I believe. The Cherry Bomb definitely had an edge as the winner; I know firsthand what a P.O.S. it was as, sadly, I've had to drive it. I also happened upon the wreck that squashed it on Highway 78 when, my brother at the wheel, the clutch made one of its frequent, random decisions not to work and he got t-boned. Still, if he won against a Pinto, I might be accused of nepotism.

Sarah related a very amusing story about the Dodge Caravan, while Basil makes a great (or terrible) case for the 1984 LeBaron, and I have to feel for Flippy in her '72 Cougar with intermittent power steering and old-pizza smell. While Phil's Ford Granada wasn't that bad, comparatively, he ought to win on colour scheme alone - gold with a tan interior. And talking of colour schemes, there's my mom with the two-toned green Chevy, but again with the nepotism problems.

So. My decision?

EVERYBODY wins! Top Gear is just that great, and my loyal readers shall be rewarded! Because she entered the only car well known for exploding upon impact, Sandy wins the grand prize: the DVDs along with a Conyers t-shirt and autographed picture of Mister Fusspot, and everyone who entered gets Top Gear! Even Nancy, who writes that she loved her little car and isn't submitting her comment for a win, and Margarita who writes that none of her cars were crappy enough to win. I have 3 DVD sets in my possession - the original one which prompted the contest and two more, having purchased my neighborhood Best Buy's entire remaining stock. Worryingly, BBC America reports that the DVDs are on backorder, but Amazon claims to have some in stock so I'll get cracking on prize distribution.

I need addresses to send DVDs, which the only ones I don't have are Basil, Phil and Margarita, so y'all shoot me an e-mail with your info (assuming you want your prize). Promise not to stalk. Except you, Basil - I may stalk you later in the summer. And Sandy, what shirt size, M or L? I know you're not very large but I like my t-shirts baggy - do you?

Lastly, Flippy requests more pictures of baby Esme. Some others are up on Flickr, but here are two:
11 weeks old












And mid-leap after diving into the hammock portion of Finnovar's kitty play-set:

A pet post...

I'm amazed and pleased at the dynamic in the Bowman household. All the pets get along and interact in such sweet and funny ways.

I got Finnovar the cat fifteen years ago, from my mom. He is technically a Bombay, which you get by crossing a black American shorthair and a sable Burmese. But there was evidently contamination somewhere a few generations back because he and one sister came out with some white markings. My mom wasn't worried about the girl because someone at work wanted a sweet little girl kitty and didn't care about the pedigree/defective part. "But I don't know what I'll ever do with the boy!" she lamented. "For one thing, he's the runt - I think he's too little to thrive, actually - and for another, he's not just mean, he's NASTY." He was, indeed, a hamster-sized kitten and the first time I went down to see them, I said, "Oh, what a darling little fellow!" and he made a teeny tiny kitty-spitty hiss at me.

I was instantly smitten.

I begged for the kitten. Mom was reluctant, citing my allergies but later it emerged that she TOTALLY didn't want me to take him for other reasons. She was sure the runt was too tiny to live, so tiny that there must be something wrong with him. I'd take him, he'd die, and I'd be crushed. I begged and begged and finally my dad said (actual quote), "Let her have the damn thing and we'll deal with the fallout later!" So I got him. He stayed tiny for quite some time; for ages I took him shopping and all sorts of places - he fit, except for tail, into the palm of my hand - and then it was like he heard of this new concept, "growing" and thought, "I'll look into that!" Eighteen pounds and many years later, he is healthy, beautiful, scornful and pure evil - everything a cat should be, and I love him so.

When I got Sprocket, I worried about how Finnovar would react, but it turned out to be very good for him. Having a rambunctious playful puppy in the house forced him to do more than just lay around getting fat and lazy. Even when The Finn was tired of playing (Sprocket never is) he had to run and jump/climb somewhere that Sprocket couldn't get to him, and I think the activity really helped his overall health and well-being. Also, he loves to mess with Sprocket. Sometimes I put Sprocket's hair in a top-knot (he looks like John Belushi doing "Samurai Delicatessen") and it is a favorite game of Finnovar's to lurk on furniture and then WHACK! the top-knot as Sprocket is passing.

For ages, that was the extent of my (now our) pet household. We go to this fabulous Mexican restaurant a lot and at the end of the shopping center where it is located, there is a pet store. I would never buy from this pet store as I fear puppy-mill ties (I don't know this, I just suspect based on the variety of breeds they carry, and - well, it's a store not a breeder) but that doesn't stop me from wanting to walk by it every time we go to Frontera and SQUEEE! over the cute puppies. One day there was a little guy who was black and tan, marked exactly like a Doberman, but fuzzy and tiny. I couldn't imagine what he was, so I went inside and read the label on his crate. It was a long-haired Chihuahua, something I previously did not know existed. I started Googling images and fell in love. Did some research, found an EXTREMELY reputable breeder and, even though I went intending to get a girl doggy, we got Mister Fusspot.

I'd wanted to add a girl, true, but I fell so very much in love with Mister Fusspot, both his looks and sweet little personality, there was no question. I worried about how he and Sprocket would interact, both being entire males, but there has been nary a growl. Mister Fusspot was very reticent and we had him for probably 3 weeks to a month before he ever approached Sprocket or Finnovar. Now he loves them and loves to play, and they romp and wrestle.

Sprocket and Mister Fusspot are very different in how they interact with their humans. Sprocket wants attention, but he wants to be played with; he wants me to throw toys, play tuggers with toys, wrestle with him...if I pick him up to hug and scritch, he will allow it for a few minutes but it's not long before he wants to get down and grab a toy. Mister Fusspot, on the other hand, is a TOTAL cuddlebug. He wants to be in my lap, or next to me, or being petted and loved. I like this because no one is jealous. Sprocket doesn't care that Fusspot gets more petting, as long as there is a hand free to throw a stuffed animal.

Then, at the beginning of the month, we got Esme from the same breeder. Last evening Lynda (the breeder) sent me all the info to get Esme registered with the AKC, which I did, and to my happy surprise I learned that she and Fusspot have the same sire! I didn't know that at the time; I just picked the cutest one. Since we don't intend to breed them, I am thrilled that she is actually, as we've been referring to her anyway, his baby sister. Esme will be spayed at six months; the health benefits are substantial so I don't feel any qualms about it, like I do about neutering males. Something about lopping off little bits of them just bothers me, I don't know - I think it should be my responsibility to - er, be responsible, so all our boys are entire males.

But anyway, Esme in the house! Unlike Mister Fusspot, she is utterly fearless. The evening I brought her home, I set her down and she immediately ran over and leapt upon Sprocket. He was not pleased by this. At first he was very unhappy about having her here; he even snapped at her a few times. Now, he doesn't approach her for play, but when she bounds up (or on) him with a toy, he'll grab the other end and play tuggers with her. She and Mister Fusspot wrestle, romp, chase and tumble constantly, so there was no problem there. Finnovar looks at her with kind of resigned disgust; the other day, she was scrambling for purchase with her paws as she had his tail in her mouth, trying to haul him off. He looked up at us and it was completely apparent what he was thinking: "Y'all see this, right? You see what's happening here. Notice how that little thing is still alive? I shall expect extra treats and my favorite wet food this evening."

I think that Esme may well be the first dog raised on Cheezburger, because the boys know "treat" and respond to the word, but Esme hears, "Esme! Recieve your nom!" and "Nom nom nom!" Then when she's chewing on something forbidden like Alan's magazine or my ears or a PS2 controller cord (that happens a lot) she is told sharply, "No! Not to nom!"

I'm very happy with the way the family dynamic has worked, how they all have such different personalities and the ways they interact with each other. Now, off to kiss some tiny noses!

65 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked…

Via Flippy -

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
I hardly ever take showers. No, I'm not super-stinky - I just prefer baths. Hot bubble baths with scented oils/bubbles, often a good book...mmmm...wait, what? Oh, washing. Well, unless there's some stain or nastiness necessitating the bath, I always start with my left shoulder, and work down/sideways from there.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
I don’t like hoodies - not on me, anyway, they are fine on others. I have long, poofy hair and I think hoodies make me look weird. They make my hair hang oddly and/or clump around my neck and I don't like it. My favorite color hoodie of Alan's is olive green.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Sure. Probably at about 10:45 tonight, in fact.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Yes. I am a very matchy sort of girl. I've even been known (Alan will exasperatedly attest to this) to search through drawers rejecting black, blue and dark pink nighties in search of a pale pink nightie, if I happen to be wearing pale pink underwear.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Happy. Off from work, glass of wine to the right, kitteh and one puppeh to the left, two smaller puppehs to the right, just got a call from my bestest friend that a tip I'd given her earlier today has this quickly resulted in a job (at least a consultant or part-time gig). I'm glad about that. She deserves better than the hand she's been dealt lately.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that’s red?
My mouse! I have a Ferrari laptop and the little black mouse is trimmed in a wide, 1/2" or so red stripe. Entirely red would be Mister Finnovar's kitty house - the top two stories are red vinyl-tent-like-stuff.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I dreamed that I went to Keelyn and John (my sister-in-law and her ex)'s old house in Morrow. I don't know why I was going there because even in the dream, I knew they had moved and weren't living there. When I got there, there were rosebushes all over the lawn - as in, you could barely see a blade of grass for all the rosebushes - and workmen were converting their carport into a screened porch. I knew there was a key under the front mat so I went in, but I have no idea why - e.g., I had not been dispatched to retrieve an item they'd left behind or anything.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
No. My perambulations at work are pretty regular - bank, post office box, same several restaurants for lunch - I'm a regular at all of those and most of the workers already know me. I didn't go anywhere other than the office.

9. What are you craving right now?
Just a little vacation. I want the beach, or at least a lake, at a place where we can take the pets.

10. Do you floss?
Not nearly as much as I should - mostly on weekends (I'm always in a rush in the mornings and I stay up until I'm about to drop at night) or when I get something caught in my teeth.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Dolls. The guy that invented Cabbage Patch Dolls (I have two) is from north Georgia.

12. Are you emotional?
Eh, I don't know. I get mad pretty easily, especially about something that ought to be straightforward and turns nightmarish, e.g, why does it take 45 minutes, 4 downloads and 3 file converters to print this one STINKIN' paragraph?!? but I don't cry at sappy movies or begin nightly conversations with my husband by telling him we need to evaluate our relationship because he's not VALIDATING my FEELINGS. Decision-making, I'm very much a "head rules the heart" kind of person. I'd say I feel things very deeply but I'm not one to let things show.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Not that I recall. I may have had to in elementary school, like count to 1000 by tens or something, but of my own volition? Nah.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I lick it; my teeth are very sensitive to cold so I don't bite right into much of anything - even fruit, I'd rather cut into pieces than chomp right in.

15. Do you like your hair?
Yes. Sometimes I wish it weren't so big (the more humid = the bigger Helly's hair) but I think it's my best feature. I get compliments on my hair and that makes me happy.

16. Do you like yourself?
Yes. Not in a vain, narcissistic way, but I'm pretty happy being me.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Hell yes! I think it would be a blast! I'd have blog fodder for WEEKS.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Generally, "Octane", XM's 'new hard rock' channel. Specifically, Pop Evil's "Another Romeo & Juliet". Meh, really, but the channel Alan left on when he went back to his study - "1st Wave - Classic Alternative" - is playing Duran Duran's "Rio" - and who needs THAT? Honestly.

19. Are your parents strict?
No.

20. Would you go sky diving?
No, even though one of my friends owns a drop zone. Theoretically, I think it would be fun and exhilarating and a great thrill, if I could just DO it. But realistically, it takes way too much time and preparation - lectures/instruction, suiting up, take-off, airplane reaching required altitude, etc., which leaves WAY TOO MUCH time for me to think about all the awful things that could possibly go wrong, and probably will because it's me.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
No. The taste is minimal and the appearance and texture bother me as well. Cooked into things, it's fine however.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes, several. I met various semi-famous and eventually-famous musicians when I played out and about with never-famous bands. Also, several years ago I hung out regularly with a very close friend and this guy knew EVERYBODY, both actors and musicians. For example, once I dropped by his apartment and Ice T was there. He gave me a CD. Then one time I was over and G.W.A.R. was there, one of whom kept shushing me when I was trying to talk to my friend, because - I swear this is true - they were not just watching, but were enraptured by - This Old House. Alan says controlled substances must have played a part in this rapture, but I couldn't say - despite bar-band nights and occasional drunkenness, I am remarkably drug-naive. (I kinda like that about me, too.)

23. Do you rent movies often?
Almost never. I used to rent from DirecTV on their pay-per-view system but in the last handful of years, I either want it enough to buy the DVD or am totally uninterested.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
Not a thing, exactly, but my nail polish is sparkly (clear with pale purple sparkles).

25. How many countries have you visited?
Well, I never been to Spain, but I kinda like the music. They say the ladies are insane there, and they sure know how to use it (c'mon sing it with me now!)

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
OMG, I loved prank phone calls when I was a kid! I loved thinking up jokes to pull on people. Oh yeah, I got in trouble - but I LOVED prank phone calls. Like to Stanley Steemer: "Hey I got this coupon and I was wondering: can y'all get blood out of carpet? I mean, like, A LOT of blood?"

27. Ever been on a train?
Not unless you count amusement park trains. I've ridden trains at Stone Mountain and other similar places, but not for real.

28. Brown or white eggs?
I've never noticed enough of a difference to care.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes. I hardly ever use it and even more rarely text, but every time I think of giving it up as an unnecessary expense, something happens that makes me SO THANKFUL that I have one. So yeah. It's a pink Motorola Raz-R-Phone and it plays the Fruity Oaty Bar commercial from Serenity when someone calls.

30. Do you use chapstick?
No.

31. Do you own a gun?
Yep. S&W 9mm. Want a Glock.

32. Can you use chopsticks?
Yes. Not to say I don't miss sometimes.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
The Husband, Finnovar the kitteh and three doggies: Sprocket-Rocket Hero Pup, Mister Fusspot and wee little Esme.

34. Are you too forgiving?
No, I don't think so. Minor infractions, no big deal but I tend to adhere to the "fool me once" school of thought.

35. Ever been in love?
Yes.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I think she's starting a new job (see above). Fuzzy best friends? napping, romping and wreaking havoc.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Yes.

38. Last time you cried?
Hmmm, I think it was whatever day we went to see "Up". Great movie, don't get me wrong, but there were some VERY sad moments.

39. What was the last question you asked?
“Hey, Alan! Was "Spanish Bombs" on 'Sandanista' or 'London Calling'?" (It was playing on whatever XM channel I'd surfed to. Answer: London Calling.)

40. Favorite time of the year?
Summer. Lovely warm and no pollens for my allergies.

41. Who did you last call?
Some douche with an overdue account at work.

42. Are you sarcastic?
You read my blog, and yet you ask this question? No, not AT ALL.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
No. Cheryl liked it and loaned it to me but I didn't watch it...other things taking precedence I guess.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Oh yeah. I'm the queen of klutz, even stone cold sober.

45. Favorite color?
Helly Green! (That's slightly darker and more forest-y than Kelly Green)

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
I honestly don't think I ever have.

47. Is your hair curly?
It curls on the ends, for sure. But mostly it's - like red wines with rich, complex flavors that linger on the palate - full-bodied. Always full, usually wavy, sometimes curly.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
It's weird in that I am SURE I must have bought something since then, if not for me for Alan, but the last one I specifically remember purchasing was the remastered "Piper At The Gates of Dawn"...surely I've bought music since? Nothing comes to mind. The last CD to arrive at our household was a boxed set of Coheed and Cambria, live.

49. Do looks matter?
Yes, sometimes more than others. I'll be the first to describe an everyday, ordinary person as "totally adorable" or "just lovely" if they're smart and can make me laugh, so personality goes a VERY long way but let's be honest: there are some people who are completely unfuckable.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I'm not sure. I could forgive a one-night-stand in the heat of passion a lot easier than I could forgive a long, ongoing affair of the heart. I mean, if Morena Baccarin came on to my husband and he succumbed, I'd kinda have to forgive him because if she came on to me? I would. And I'm not even gay. But, like, if I found out he'd been sleeping with his secretary for 8 months? I'd have to kill them both, and feed them to the dogs. With Heinz 57 sauce.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
No, not at all. We don't even have call-waiting. Paying to effing get interrupted? Not my thang.

52. Do you like your life right now?
Yeah, pretty much. There are some things I'd like to change, some problems hovering and some things that bug me, but do the positives outweigh the negatives? For sure.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No, never.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Absolutely.

55. Do you have good vision?
OMG, NO! I've even had my driver's license revoked for a period, because my vision deteriorated beyond acceptable levels. I can't even see the BIG LARGE NUMBERS on the digital clock that's on a table about 14" from my pillow unless I pick the clock up and hold it near my nose.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Hate, no. Dislike, oh hells yeah.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
I don't like it but I have to do a good bit of it at work and consequently dislike even more doing so on a personal level. I'd much rather use the phone to arrange lunch: "Frontera?" "Sure." "One-thirty?" "Yep." and then talk in person, or send e-mails to non-local friends.

58. The last person you held hands with?
Alan. His hands are a lot bigger than mine so mostly he holds out his index finger and I wrap my hand around that.

59. What are you wearing?
Orange and pink tie-dye Billabong t-shirt and shorts set.

60.What is your favorite animal?
The liger is pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed, bred for its skills in magic. Sorry, Napoleon Dynamite moment - I love animals, anything cute and fuzzy; even though we have more puppehs than kittehs, it's hard to choose. I'd feed and love and care for everyone if I could. I'd love an exotic cat, like a jaguarundi or a caracal. I want an alpaca; if we EVER sell this house and buy one we actually want, with some land, I want a wee widdle alpaca. Of course I know wee widdle alpacas grow up into great big alpacas, but I'm prepared to risk it.

61. Where was your default picture taken?
I think the one on my blog and on flickr were both at home - the blog one with Finnovar in our bedroom and the flickr one in our den.

62. Can you hula hoop?
Yes. After childhood - in our twenties, I guess - my then-roommate and I read that it was good exercise so we went to Target. Consequently, I have a Barbie hula hoop filled with metallic stars and glitter and crap. Not that I'm great at it, but yes, I can.

63. Do you have a job?
Yeah.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Pupperoni, puppy pads, garbage bags, Ziploc bags and 2 bottles of red wine at Sam's. We needed garbage bags and pupperoni; the rest I knew we'd need soon enough. The red wine I don't guess I exactly needed, but I knew eventually I'd WANT it. Which I might.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Why yes. Yes I have. The story is here.

I love it when, as happened last night, I awaken in the wee hours feeling well-rested and refreshed, then I look at the clock and it's only 1:30, 2:00 so I have hours and hours of blissful, lovely slumber still ahead. Mmmmm.

Bobby Cox got ejected from another baseball game. That's my favorite stat about the Atlanta Braves: we have the most-ejected manager in the sport, not just of active managers but of all time.