I have had the bestest most funnest day at work today! We had a SAM only instead of boring stuff like going over new business prospects, the guys told golf jokes and made malicious fun of this person I don’t like, we had Chinese food, then my salesweasel came over and we had to talk some football, then Sheila defrosted the refrigerator - so when I went into the break room for a Diet Coke, there was this huge pile of white fluffy ice in the sink that she was scraping out of the freezer (Freezer sweat? Ammonia crystals? I dunno...) Anyway, it was a huge pile of fluffy white ice that reminded me a lot of snow, which brings me to Reason #5,628 why he’s the World’s Greatest Boss. He was sitting in his office on the phone with our biggest client when I came running in and threw a snowball at him. It hit the arm of his chair, spattered all round, he looked up, smiled, and kept talking. After his call was over, I said, "You know what that was, right? The proverbial snowball’s chance in hell." He answered, "I knew that! Hey, is there any more snow?" Hilarity ensued. The carpet is wet. Take THAT, evil landlords!
Then my salesweasel came over with a box of files because he's in the process of moving his office from another building over here with us (into my old office) and I got to show off one of my finest talents - bossing other people around. The guys rearranged furniture, and I helped! I supervised, giving important directions like, "Left! Your other left! Watch it!" They switched out an old crappy desk to an unused area and moved a better desk into my old office for the salesweasel. There was this really old beat-up chair in there that I used to use, but now I outrank it; we have a very strict chair hierarchy hereabouts and that was a ‘middle manager’ chair. I now have an oxblood leather ‘vice president’ chair with brass studs on it, because I am Very Busy And Important (see snowballs, above). Anyway, even if the salesweasel had wanted my old chair, it had rips in the pseudo-leather where people had stacked boxes of files in it and also a spring or something had broken, so it tilted to one side. It’s hard to sit in it without tipping out. It’s one of those things that we should have thrown out a long time ago, but it was stuck in a back room so nobody ever thought about it at the right time. Moreover, the Evil Landlords are very strict about what we can move and can’t move, and what we’re allowed to throw away. Most of these rules seem to involve the necessity of charging us $100 for use of the freight elevator.
At this point I’d like to digress a moment to explain about my building. Weird stuff happens all the time in this building. For example, once when I arrived in the morning the suite door was unlocked and it was obvious that someone had been poking around in here. Out of all the computer equipment, laptops, boom boxes, the tiny television, office products great and small, the only things we could determine missing: a container of assorted gum and two double-A batteries. Another time there was evidence of an intruder; we investigated and half a pizza was gone. The scary part is that the stolen pizza was about 3 weeks old; we kept intending to throw it out but, planning to do it at the end of the day so it wouldn’t stink up the office, it got forgotten time and again. I could go on for hours about the office oddness, but the point is that strange, logic-defying things happen a lot, which gave me an idea. (My brother says that is one of the most frightening phrases in the English language: ‘Hey! I’ve got an idea!’) I decided to add manually to the office weirdness by putting the old, beat-up chair that we weren’t allowed to throw away on the elevator, press all the buttons for all the floors, and run away.
The World’s Greatest Boss and my salesweasel were instantly willing co-conspirators. The WGB acted as floor lookout while my salesweasel hid around the corner with the broken-down chair. I pushed the elevator button and prepared to act like I was going somewhere if the car arrived inhabited. It didn’t! The coast was clear! I jumped aboard, called for the salesweasel and started pushing buttons. He hauled the chair into the car, helped me push the last few buttons and together we leapt from the elevator! I have no idea what the other people thought when they got on the elevator and saw the piece o’crap chair there.
You know how some things just strike you as uncontrollably funny? Something hits you in a way that’s so very funny, funny above and beyond its actual humour level, and you know it, but can’t quit laughing about it. Maybe there’s a joke that you’ve heard several times and although you know that it’s only moderately amusing, for whatever reason, whenever you tell it, you start cracking up so hard that you can’t even utter the punch line. That’s how I feel about the abandoned crappy chair riding the elevator. I’m laughing now, as I type...the WGB laments the fact that we neglected to install ChairCam, to monitor the reactions of people as they get onto the elevator. Or as they tip out of it, if they were so unwise as to sit down. What with all the historical office weirdness, I’m sure some of the long-term tenants won’t even react, because they’ve experienced odder things. I hope the chair has been removed (probably by Lurch) before I leave today, or else I’ll probably wet my pants laughing. Like I wrote, I know it’s not all that drop-dead, uproariously hilarious but for some strange atavistic reason, I can’t even think of it without collapsing into paroxysms of mirth.
MONTOYA DELENDA EST!
Then my salesweasel came over with a box of files because he's in the process of moving his office from another building over here with us (into my old office) and I got to show off one of my finest talents - bossing other people around. The guys rearranged furniture, and I helped! I supervised, giving important directions like, "Left! Your other left! Watch it!" They switched out an old crappy desk to an unused area and moved a better desk into my old office for the salesweasel. There was this really old beat-up chair in there that I used to use, but now I outrank it; we have a very strict chair hierarchy hereabouts and that was a ‘middle manager’ chair. I now have an oxblood leather ‘vice president’ chair with brass studs on it, because I am Very Busy And Important (see snowballs, above). Anyway, even if the salesweasel had wanted my old chair, it had rips in the pseudo-leather where people had stacked boxes of files in it and also a spring or something had broken, so it tilted to one side. It’s hard to sit in it without tipping out. It’s one of those things that we should have thrown out a long time ago, but it was stuck in a back room so nobody ever thought about it at the right time. Moreover, the Evil Landlords are very strict about what we can move and can’t move, and what we’re allowed to throw away. Most of these rules seem to involve the necessity of charging us $100 for use of the freight elevator.
At this point I’d like to digress a moment to explain about my building. Weird stuff happens all the time in this building. For example, once when I arrived in the morning the suite door was unlocked and it was obvious that someone had been poking around in here. Out of all the computer equipment, laptops, boom boxes, the tiny television, office products great and small, the only things we could determine missing: a container of assorted gum and two double-A batteries. Another time there was evidence of an intruder; we investigated and half a pizza was gone. The scary part is that the stolen pizza was about 3 weeks old; we kept intending to throw it out but, planning to do it at the end of the day so it wouldn’t stink up the office, it got forgotten time and again. I could go on for hours about the office oddness, but the point is that strange, logic-defying things happen a lot, which gave me an idea. (My brother says that is one of the most frightening phrases in the English language: ‘Hey! I’ve got an idea!’) I decided to add manually to the office weirdness by putting the old, beat-up chair that we weren’t allowed to throw away on the elevator, press all the buttons for all the floors, and run away.
The World’s Greatest Boss and my salesweasel were instantly willing co-conspirators. The WGB acted as floor lookout while my salesweasel hid around the corner with the broken-down chair. I pushed the elevator button and prepared to act like I was going somewhere if the car arrived inhabited. It didn’t! The coast was clear! I jumped aboard, called for the salesweasel and started pushing buttons. He hauled the chair into the car, helped me push the last few buttons and together we leapt from the elevator! I have no idea what the other people thought when they got on the elevator and saw the piece o’crap chair there.
You know how some things just strike you as uncontrollably funny? Something hits you in a way that’s so very funny, funny above and beyond its actual humour level, and you know it, but can’t quit laughing about it. Maybe there’s a joke that you’ve heard several times and although you know that it’s only moderately amusing, for whatever reason, whenever you tell it, you start cracking up so hard that you can’t even utter the punch line. That’s how I feel about the abandoned crappy chair riding the elevator. I’m laughing now, as I type...the WGB laments the fact that we neglected to install ChairCam, to monitor the reactions of people as they get onto the elevator. Or as they tip out of it, if they were so unwise as to sit down. What with all the historical office weirdness, I’m sure some of the long-term tenants won’t even react, because they’ve experienced odder things. I hope the chair has been removed (probably by Lurch) before I leave today, or else I’ll probably wet my pants laughing. Like I wrote, I know it’s not all that drop-dead, uproariously hilarious but for some strange atavistic reason, I can’t even think of it without collapsing into paroxysms of mirth.
MONTOYA DELENDA EST!
2 Comments:
No you're wrong. It is that funny.
By
Anonymous, at 4:42 PM
that was a delightful story1 And i'm dying to know, how long did the chair ride the elevator? I picture it there still now - i hope nobody moved it.
By
Anonymous Me, at 4:54 PM
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