Overall, I’m a pretty happy person. Sure, things get me down from time to time, but usually I’m reasonably content and satisfied with my life. My ‘problems’ don’t really even qualify as problems compared to the things with which lots of other people have to cope. All that notwithstanding, sometimes I go through these phases in my life when it seems like everything I try to do is about 10 times harder than it ought to be - unless the thing in question is some ridiculously simple, everyday thing, in which case it’s 15 times harder. For example, here is a brief glimpse into my life as I attempt to change a light bulb. Don’t pity me, laugh at my feeble efforts to contend with everyday existence - at least one of us ought to enjoy this.

Turn on light in living room. Watch bulb blow. Go to laundry room for new bulb, open appropriate cabinet. Shriek as cascade of falling bulb boxes, extension cords, WD-40 and assorted paraphernalia fall upon head, shoulders and floor. [Use extreme caution when opening overhead bins as contents may have shifted during particularly rowdy spin cycles.] Scream at dog who is attempting to assist, as he is about to tread upon broken glass from light bulb which escaped box during descent. From standing position, leap athletically over glass, out of laundry room into kitchen. Obtain broom. Search in vain for dustpan. Spy dustpan sitting in its proper place, beside cleaning caddy on shelf in laundry room. Scream at dog not to eat broken glass. Chase dog through house, pry dog’s mouth open and examine tongue for signs of glass ingestion. Return to laundry room, sweep up broken glass. Dump broken glass into trash, return to laundry room for light bulb. Step on shard of glass inexplicably remaining on tile in the exact center of spot where sweeping was concentrated. Scream. Obtain new bulb. Stomp to living room. Notice that foot is bleeding. Place bulb in bad-70s ashtray on top of television. Go to front bathroom for Band-Aid. Dump isopropyl alcohol on foot first. Scream. Return to kitchen. Obtain paper towel. Wipe smears of blood off tile. Notice smear of blood on carpet. Return to laundry room. Obtain Resolve®. Scrub carpet. Return to laundry room to dispose of bloody rag. Notice mess on dryer and floor. Replace escaped detritus in cabinet. Return to living room. Search in vain for replacement bulb. Swear. Retrace steps through laundry room, kitchen, living room and front bathroom. Upon return from front bathroom to living room, notice bulb now lying in bad-70s ashtray on top of television, despite absolutely, incontrovertibly not having been there moments before. Remove burned-out bulb. Place in bad-70s ashtray, pick up new bulb and place in light socket. With new light, notice that Tiffany-style frosted glass tulip-thingy surrounding bulb is dusty. Remove all three frosted glass tulip-thingies. Go to kitchen. Run sinkful of hot water. Wash, dry and replace tulip-thingies without incident. Wonder uneasily at not having broken tulip-thingies. Remember to put ‘light bulbs’ on grocery list. Notice that pencil needs sharpening. Go to study. Jab pencil into electric sharpener. When nothing happens, pull electric sharpener forward on desk for examination. Watch as shavings bin detaches and falls off desk, dumping shavings and black dust onto lap, chair and carpet. Return to laundry room. Obtain Dustbuster. Return to study in time to see dog eating pencil shavings. Scream. Vacuum pencil shavings off of carpet, chair and desk. Watch as Dustbuster sucks up jumbo paper clip lying on desk along with pencil shavings. Listen to clanky, unpleasant death-rattle of Dustbuster. Swear. Throw Dustbuster across study. Place call to Joseph Dixon Pencil Company to inquire whether #2 Ticonderogas are actually made of lead. Learn fascinating factoid that Ticonderoga pencils are made from Madagascar graphite. Tell dog he’s lucky this time and that stomach will not have to be pumped. Get in car for trip to Lowe’s to purchase new Dustbuster. Notice that fuel indicator is on empty. Drive to Texaco. Pull into only unoccupied pump. Notice sign that pump is out of order. Swear. Wait for someone, ANYONE to finish pumping gas, buying lottery tickets, attempting to make underage purchases of Budweiser and chatting with Texaco clerk. Pump gas. Replace nozzle. Spill gas on shoe. Swear. Drive to Lowe’s. Wander through vast home-improvement warehouse as Moses through the desert. Locate appropriate aisle. Discover that Dustbusters are now $70. Swear. Forget to purchase light bulbs at Lowe’s. Drive home. Flip on kitchen light while placing new Dustbuster on counter. Watch light bulb blow. Collapse onto floor. Cry.

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!