The Hellhole

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sometimes I wake up at night but I'm not truly awake and alert.  I will get up and use the bathroom, come back to bed and cover up without ever having made it out of a certain level of sleep.  During the brief time when I had a roommate, this would sometimes happen and I would have actual conversations, seemingly lucid ones, with her but I would wake up in the morning completely unaware that these conversations took place.  For example, if I got a late-night phone call and she woke me up to  tell me about it, or if she came in late from a date - I'd be perfectly coherent and not sleepy-rambly-weird, so she wouldn't realize anything was up until the next day.

Jenna:  Hey, sorry to wake you but you said to so you'd know I was home safe.
Me:  Oh, that's fine.  How was your date?
Jenna:  It was great!  We went to Lobster Bar and then out clubbing.
Me:  Cool, did you get the surf-and-turf?
Jenna:  No, the Dover sole.  It was so yummy!
Me:  I'll have to try that next time, if I can resist the shellfish tower.
Jenna:  Oh please. We both know you can't.
Me:  True.  Very true.
Jenna:  Okay, good night.
Me:  G'night!

...and it wasn't until the next day when I asked her the exact same questions that she realized - and informed me - that I'd conducted an entire seemingly intelligent conversation with her without, apparently, actually awakening.

This has happened twice recently.  About three weeks ago, I got up to pee.  Evidently, during the 6 - 8 seconds I spent on the toilet I forgot that it was 3:30 AM and assumed I was there for my normal first-thing-in-the-morning urination, so when I finished that I plugged in my rollers, opened a drawer and took out my vitamins, as is in keeping with my morning routine.  Events thus far had not awakened Alan but I am currently using a bottle of gummi vitamins, which tend to stick together so one has to shake the bottle very hard to dislodge two. [On a side rant, WTH are they trademarked and branded ONE a Day vitamins if each and every day, I have to take two?  They should be TWO a Day or one big gummi.  This irks my Virgo literal sensibilities.]  The extreme rattling of the bottle awakened him, he checked both clocks, came to investigate and said, "What are you doing, sweetheart?"

I replied, "Getting ready."

"It's three thirty in the freaking morning!  Come back to bed!"

So I did, but with ZERO recollection of having done this the next day.

Then there was last night.  Again, I got up to use the bathroom - hmmm, maybe the solution to this is drinking less water but my esthetician is pleased with my hydration levels and lack of crows' feet - and it seems I didn't come back to bed afterward, but opened the door and kept wandering back and forth into, out of, and the length of the bathroom.

Alan came in, sat me down on the bed and said, "Honey, what are you doing?"

Brace yourself.  I have no idea what I was dreaming previously or what I was thinking or what the ever-loving hell was in my mind to produce this response.

"Looking for second honeymoons."

Because, you know, I keep those in a drawer in the bathroom.

"What's a second honeymoon?"

"You know, second honeymoons!" - I was waving my hands at him emphatically.

"I don't understand, sweetheart, what do you want?"

"Second honeymoons!"

"What are second honeymoons?"

"Night nights!"

"Why don't you lie back down, sweetie?"



  • I hope you get some more restful nights soon. But I did have to laugh at your story.

    By Blogger Still Trying, at 12:58 AM  

  • This made me laugh out loud! But it also made me think of Mike Birbiglia's story Fear of Sleep which you must listen to right away if you haven't yet:

    It's very funny, but make sure you don't end up jumping out of second story windows . . .

    By Blogger Nancy Heiges, at 9:17 AM  

  • Wow Nancy Heiges, I was thinking the same thing as I read this. Seems he began taking meds and he sleeps in a sleeping bag zipped up to keep from sleepwalking dangerously. To preclude unzipping it in his somnambulant state he wears mittens.

    By Blogger Winfield H. Strock III, at 8:45 AM  

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