The Hellhole

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Guess what happened to me yesterday? This starts as another low-on-gas story but (a) I promise this one is funny! and (b) it's not going to be a recurring theme for me - I've learned my lesson from Phil, believe me. I had plenty of gas to get to work and stop by the Shell on my way home, with about 1/4 tank to spare. But unexpectedly around 3PM, I needed to run an emergency errand for The Boss - getting a contract signed that means lots and lots of money for us. This errand was going to take me way north of the downtown district (up GA 400 and across the Glenridge Connector, if you're local). I knew I wouldn't be able to do that and make it home on my current tank, so I decided that the best plan was to go 2 miles in the opposite direction to the Shell because I knew exactly how to get there and how to double back to I-75/85, instead of taking my chances on finding a station en route.

I left my office and tried to drive to the Shell, but every way I turned, a street I needed - even if I only needed to be on it for 100 feet - was blocked by police cars with flashing lights. Other streets that were unblocked were one way in the wrong direction, so I'd skip around and over to try to bypass the roadblock, only to be confronted with more City of Atlanta police cars! They thwarted me every way I tried! I was mumbling grumpily to myself, sure that I'd burn my entire 1/3 tank cruising around trying to get to the Shell that I could practically see in the distance, though countless APD cruisers prevented me from actually driving there.

I made it eventually - got gas, got out of town, got my contract signed and made us many monies, but that's not the point/funny of this entry. When I got home last night, Alan and I searched the news to try and find out what the fuss was about. Usually, whenever I witness an event firsthand (robbery, wreck, fire, other) there is never anything anywhere in the newspapers, on television or radio about it. NOT SO THIS TIME!!!

This is why I couldn't get out of my quadrant to the Shell station: AJC article. In case the link goes bad, brief summary: cops try to pull over a guy, who runs because he's driving a stolen car. He runs down a city street waving a gun, but he can't run very fast because he's trying to hold up his thug-fashion baggy-hanging-to-his-knees pants, which are falling down and hindering his escape. When he won't stop or throw down his weapon, Atlanta cops shoot him twice "in the lower torso". That's Southernese for "popped a couple caps in his sorry ass - literally", for those of you who Aren't From Here. The result was (quote from article) "turning one of the city’s busiest downtown streets into a traffic-halting crime scene".

Since I find the baggy pants hanging between mid-thigh/knees about the most ridiculous fashion trend since bell-bottoms and boob-tubes (well, that's kind of unfair to bell-bottoms) I totally consider this poetic justice. Wear your pants like a normal person, Thug G My Homie, and you will be amazed at your ability to run and walk. Serves him right for being not only a criminal, but STOOPIT. I am reminded of my favorite quote from my man, my fellow Atlantan, Andre Benjamin, the pride of Tri-Cities High School, a/k/a Andre 3000:

Pull up your pants, ladies and gents -
Please! Act like you got some sense!
["Behold A Lady" off OutKast's Speakerboxx]


  • Haha! Do you think thugs will learn their lesson and pull up their pants? Methinks not.

    By Blogger A Margarita, at 9:45 AM  

  • I think they should leave their homes PREPARED for the day they have ahead of them. You know, like I never wear heels to knock off a convenience store because I just don't think I could run fast enough out of my stolen car if I crashed it against a home in my run from the police. Just wear your "car stealing trousers" when that's the plan, you know? It's all about dressing for the occasion. I think. You know. Still trendy, but adequate.

    By OpenID mariarocio, at 10:53 AM  

  • years ago, on "Cops" they had a similar situation, only this fool had TWO pairs of pants (low-riders, of course), he was cracked out, and was hiding a porcelain plate in between his layers. wtf? i love "Cops." also years ago on the same show, the boys responded to someone trashing a trailer out in the boonies. guns drawn, the boys busted in to find the place in shambles. everything was literally torn up and apart. the culprit was still inside the trailer. guns drawn and screaming out warnings, the cops advanced to the room from which they could still hear this intruder destroying the house. they opened the door, flooded the room with lights and? they found a 350-lb. pig rummaging through the place. classic. tax money at work, y'all.

    By OpenID swine, at 12:08 PM  

  • I'm laughing so hard at the image of Maria, impeccably dressed and coiffed, sticking up a 7-11.

    Swine, that is hilarious about the trailer-trashing pig! I wish I'd seen that.

    By Blogger Helly, at 12:19 PM  

  • This comment has nothing to do with this post, but it did remind me of the "Google is not your friend" post. Or something like that, I still can't seem to find it. But I did find this most excellent t-shirt, and since I don't know how to embed a link, you'll have to cut and paste...and probably slap me the next time you see me:

    By Anonymous Matt, at 1:58 PM  

  • Yes, that was the title of my post. We'll see if I know how to embed a link: linkylinky

    I need one or two more filthy-yet-innocent-sounding terms to bury in my tale, but otherwise I'm finished with my first "Happy Little Blumpkins" story. Alan won't help me; he says that sounds like a job for me, you, Bo and lots of beer...

    By Blogger Helly, at 3:11 PM  

  • P.S. That is a most excellent t-shirt. Dare you to wear it out in public!!!

    By Blogger Helly, at 3:13 PM  

  • The funny thing is, as I was typing away at this post, my wife walked in wondering what I was doing. After I explained to her the meaning of the term and showed her the t-shirt, she told me to buy it! And then I explained the value of our sacred Dollar to her as it converts to the English Pound. She was then satisfied to not purchase the shirt...

    By Anonymous Matt, at 11:49 PM  

  • I'm with you on the baggy pants - but loving that they are what got him caught! ;)

    By Blogger Z, at 8:25 AM  

  • yet another comment, though not to do with this post - just wanted to let you know I put some linky love for you up on my sidebar! :)

    By Blogger Z, at 11:15 AM  

  • That story was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes.

    By Blogger Nancy, at 4:19 PM  

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