Have you been stealing my groceries, intarweb?
Because someone has - that, or my poltergeist has been feeling peckish. Several times lately, I've gone to the cupboard, 'fridge or freezer for something that I KNOW is in there, but said item cannot be found. Tonight it was mini-pizzas; I am certain that on Monday evening, I bought a two-pack of Red Baron mini-pizzas, which I know Alan did not eat because he hates frozen pizza, but just now when I went to microwave one for dinner, there were none to be found.
Normally, I'd chalk this up to the ordinary course of my life. For instance, say I want bananas, I actually remember to put 'bananas' on the grocery list and bring the grocery list with me (remarkable achievements in and of themselves), but once at the store, the bananas look too beaten and bruised to buy - still, what sticks in my mind is the intention, having written the item on the list - not so much the outcome. Or it could be just me being me, and fully intending to buy bananas but forgetting all about it when I find that clementines are in season. I also do stuff like get all excited when ground sirloin is on sale, buy three packages, and not bother to purchase anything to go with/do with/make out of said beef. But these days, I do most of my shopping with Alan, who tends to be the voice of reason curbing my insanity.
"Sweetheart, why are you buying two packages of hot dog buns? You didn't get any hot dogs."
"Honey, we can't eat just chicken breasts and mushrooms. Don't you need creme fraiche or tomatoes or something to do a sauce?"
"Why is there broccoli rabe in our cart? I HATE broccoli rabe. More to the point, YOU hate broccoli rabe."
But I am certain that a more sinister explanation applies here, because there is clearly a fresh pound of ground beef, a new jar of salsa, a brand-new slab of sharp cheddar and a small can of black olives in this house, yet no Old El Paso taco kit in my cupboard. There is a bag of baby Dutch potatoes, but no corresponding pork loin - which I always make those together unless I do red beans and rice with the pork, and sure enough there is some Zatarain's right there beside the can of black olives. So where is my loin?!? Give me my loin!!! *gesticulates skyward*
I have concluded that someone is breaking into my house, eschewing all the computers (yes, there are several), electronics, jewelry and other valuables to steal random, unrelated food items. It is this, or my poltergeist.
(Yes, that would be the same poltergeist that hides the TV remote in the fridge, puts dirty clothes into the garbage rather than the laundry hamper and places dirty dishes into the microwave instead of the dishwasher. That poltergeist.)
Because someone has - that, or my poltergeist has been feeling peckish. Several times lately, I've gone to the cupboard, 'fridge or freezer for something that I KNOW is in there, but said item cannot be found. Tonight it was mini-pizzas; I am certain that on Monday evening, I bought a two-pack of Red Baron mini-pizzas, which I know Alan did not eat because he hates frozen pizza, but just now when I went to microwave one for dinner, there were none to be found.
Normally, I'd chalk this up to the ordinary course of my life. For instance, say I want bananas, I actually remember to put 'bananas' on the grocery list and bring the grocery list with me (remarkable achievements in and of themselves), but once at the store, the bananas look too beaten and bruised to buy - still, what sticks in my mind is the intention, having written the item on the list - not so much the outcome. Or it could be just me being me, and fully intending to buy bananas but forgetting all about it when I find that clementines are in season. I also do stuff like get all excited when ground sirloin is on sale, buy three packages, and not bother to purchase anything to go with/do with/make out of said beef. But these days, I do most of my shopping with Alan, who tends to be the voice of reason curbing my insanity.
"Sweetheart, why are you buying two packages of hot dog buns? You didn't get any hot dogs."
"Honey, we can't eat just chicken breasts and mushrooms. Don't you need creme fraiche or tomatoes or something to do a sauce?"
"Why is there broccoli rabe in our cart? I HATE broccoli rabe. More to the point, YOU hate broccoli rabe."
But I am certain that a more sinister explanation applies here, because there is clearly a fresh pound of ground beef, a new jar of salsa, a brand-new slab of sharp cheddar and a small can of black olives in this house, yet no Old El Paso taco kit in my cupboard. There is a bag of baby Dutch potatoes, but no corresponding pork loin - which I always make those together unless I do red beans and rice with the pork, and sure enough there is some Zatarain's right there beside the can of black olives. So where is my loin?!? Give me my loin!!! *gesticulates skyward*
I have concluded that someone is breaking into my house, eschewing all the computers (yes, there are several), electronics, jewelry and other valuables to steal random, unrelated food items. It is this, or my poltergeist.
(Yes, that would be the same poltergeist that hides the TV remote in the fridge, puts dirty clothes into the garbage rather than the laundry hamper and places dirty dishes into the microwave instead of the dishwasher. That poltergeist.)
7 Comments:
You forgot to mention the sock elf that makes the socks magically disappear from the dryer!
Maybe he got hungry?
By
A Margarita, at 8:52 PM
You raise a valid point, Margarita, especially since Alan's socks have been matching up correctly the last several weeks. Obviously, the sock elf has gotten bored and decided to branch out into new areas!
By
Helly, at 7:49 AM
Maybe it's the (former) neighbors. The ones who rented the dumpster and never put anything in it? Who put a toilet in the backyard? Who just moved their trash around? Think about it, it would make sense. Or as much sense as anything else they've done.
By
Anonymous Me, at 9:23 PM
You know, it was just in the news - and I mean recently, not JUST NOW - that a homeless woman had been living undetected at a man's home, inside a closet. He began noticing that there was food missing and then he set up cameras.
But I'm sure that's not the case, because why would someone eat an old el paso taco kit?
Oh, wait...
Plus, OLIVES? Why would you need olives? Or an Old El Paso Taco kit?
You need to come to TJ!
By
Anonymous, at 10:12 AM
Ha, I remember reading that story. I think it was in Japan?
I need the Old El Paso taco kit because I don't know how to make taco shells and the grocery stores sell only soft tortillas. I need the olives because I like black olives on my Old El Paso tacos, but not my REAL tacos which come from Frontera Mex-Mex Grill. (MMMMMMMMM, Frontera...) I think they have, probably still Americanized, but more authentic Mexican food because they have stuff like chuletas de puerco, carnitas Michoacan (Alan's favorites), camarones al ajillo - not just stuff like burritos and quesadillas. They do what i think of as 'real' tamales, too, in the corn shuck.
But still, you're right - I TOTALLY need to come to TJ. Last time I was in Mexico was...um, 8 years ago? And that was the other end (Cozumel).
By
Helly, at 2:01 PM
P.S. I put sour cream on my tacos, too, which probably no one in Mexico does and they would either point and laugh or be totally grossed out.
By
Helly, at 2:01 PM
Oh so funny!! :) No chance that you have been overloading on Ambien
http://neurotransponder.blogspot.com/2006/04/ambient-somnambulism-or-zombies-among.html -
and hitting the fridge/cupboard in the middle of the night...totally unaware of moving things around, eating them? :)
Lisa and Kev
By
DrL/K, at 7:09 PM
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