Maybe I should start smoking weed so that my life would make sense, because it is the epitome of surreal when I attempt to live it sober. Today I got a voice mail from DitzyLady whose company does business with ours, saying that SomeDude is no longer in charge of the financial data for my location, so could I please start sending my monthly reports to NewGirl instead? NewGirl’s e-mail is ___ and NewGirl’s phone number is ___, and they have a question on some of my financial info, so can I call her? Sure, I can! - though I will regret it.

NewGirl: Hi, this is NewGirl, can I help you?
Me: This is Helly from ___, DitzyLady left a message asking me to call you?
NewGirl: Oh, sure! Hang on, she’s sitting right here beside me.
DitzyLady: Hello, this is DitzyLady!
Me: This is Helly from ___ returning your call.
DitzyLady: Thank you for calling back so promptly. How can I help you?
Me: Um, you called me - I think you said there was a question about our numbers?
DitzyLady: Yes! [pause. We wait awhile, as I foolishly thought there might be more to come.]
Me: So, what was your question?
DitzyLady: Well, the reports...you send us reports, and a long time ago we were getting the reports too late to be included in our monthly financials...[trails off amid furious rustling of paper]
Me: I thought that had been addressed?
DitzyLady: Yes, it had...that is, we started to get the reports sooner but...then these reports...you send reports to SomeDude?
Me: Yes, I had done but I thought you were saying they should now go to NewGirl?
DitzyLady: Yes, that’s right.
[pause. long pause. there must be a question here somewhere - mustn’t there?]
Me: So, okay, from now on I’ll send them to NewGirl. Got it - thanks!
DitzyLady: But the reports you sent to SomeDude...we had been getting them earlier, but then we weren’t, and... [rustle rustle rustle]
Me: Oh, I am sorry! Can you please tell me which month or months didn’t arrive timely? [thinking maybe there was a reason - mail holidays, people on vacation, some issue that had to be straightened out or something]
DitzyLady: Well, not...that is...we got April...it’s not so much that they’re late, not as such...[trails off, again amid a furious rustling of paper. pause - pause - she must be done]
Me: I’m not sure I understand the problem.
DitzyLady: Your reports...most of them arrive on time...at least, some of them...it’s not that they’re late...more that some are missing.
Me: Oh! Well, I do apologize if any have gone astray. I have them all right here, though, and I’ll be glad to fax you copies of whatever you need. What month or months are you missing?
DitzyLady: [paper rustling at maximum rustle-capacity] Well, it seems...I think...April, or...January and maybe March? No...wait, here’s Janu-no, February...I...no, we have them.
Me: [speechless]
DitzyLady: Okay, thank you!
Me: Okay, then. Please don’t hesitate to call if there’s anything else I can help you with.

Yes, friends and neighbors, she called me to address late reports that arrived on time and missing reports that she in fact has. The sad thing is, that’s not the weirdest phone call I’ve had today...