I have noticed recently that the leaders of these trendy 'new' churches (by which I mean neither Catholic nor a traditional branch of Protestantism) bestow upon themselves titles without regard to ecclesiastic authority or legal standing, but simply because (I presume) it sounds impressive and authoritative and leader-worthy. For example, locally Church In The Now and New Birth are led not by pastors or preachers or reverends, but by BISHOPS even though they seem to have nothing to do with Greek, Roman Catholic or Anglican tradition, and each supervises only one church, not a diocese. The House of Prayer has not only two bishops but a The Honorable! Even though I'm willing to bet he's not a member of the Queen's Privy Council; call it a hunch. Then there's Prophetess Juanita Bynum (really - prophetess!) in whom I'd have more faith if she'd been able to prophesy the smack-down her husband Bishop Thomas Weeks was about to lay on her. Guess she missed Bryant Wright's latest devotional on how men needed to quit being spiritual wimps (really - follow link to audio clip), but then again how much credence can we put in Bryant, who goes by his name, of all things?!? If he were only Archbishop Wright, I might pay more attention.

Well, since lack of official sanction and/or the general sacramental rite(s) by which candidates are ordained to those orders poses no detriment to these others, I see no reason why same should stand in the way of me bestowing a spiffy title upon myself. At first I thought I'd like to be Monsignor, but it has an awfully masculine sound to it, doesn't it? Then I thought maybe Archdeacon, because 'arch' is so much better than plain. But I thought it sounded too heavy metal - world tour '07! Opening for Iron Maiden! Archdeacon Helly and the Flames! I tried to think of a way to borrow a bit from Monogasque law, which has the added bonus of tying in some Joss Whedon/Firefly devotion, but Her Serenity or Her Serene Acolyte doesn't, sadly, have the same elan as Prophetess. I have decided, for the time being, to be Apostoless Helly, not like an actual apostle, but like an Apostolic Father. Only, you know, not male and not so dead.

Check back for updates. I may decide to become a Gallinule soon. That's more obscure, more purple, and therefore cooler, than a Cardinal.