My piggy-toe is wounded. Somehow I have injured the big piggy-toe on my right foot. It HURTS. I decided that I had The Gout, because I am fond of deciding that I am suffering from nebulous afflictions that generally subside before a doctor's appointment can be procured, especially if there is no particular reason to believe I have a certain affliction as opposed to another (bonus points if said affliction/disease has been eradicated decades, even centuries ago - ask my mom about the extreme allergy season that I spent lying on my bed suffering from consumption or that time I had diphtheria). Anyway, I decided that it was The Gout, even though I had only half a symptom, had not eaten any shellfish and a Professional Consultation* rendered a negative verdict.

*I extended the piggy-toe to The Boss and asked, "Does this look goutageous to you?" and he said no, that it should be red and extremely swollen if it was The Gout.

So I was limping about, whining about my painful piggy-toe when it occurred to me that it was obviously a spiritual affliction.

"I am channeling an Indian spirit!" I informed Alan. "There can be no other explanation. The pain in my piggy-toe is a mystical sign!"

"Oh really?" he replied. "Somehow that strikes me as unlikely."

"It is TOO! It is an Indian spirit only his knee never got injured so he's trying to tell me 'bury my heart at Piggy Toe!'!"

"Have you been drinking? I mean, besides Diet Coke?"

"No. And it could TOTALLY be an Indian spirit! You don't know!"

"You're right, sweetheart. I don't. You're probably right. Let's tomahawk the piggy-toe!"

"You're MEAN."

"What? What?!? You hit the piggy-toe with a rubber hammer when you read that gout was caused by a build-up of uric acid crystals!"

"Well, if there's crystals sitting around in there, I figured I'd break 'em up, problem solved. It kinda hurt though."

"No, REALLY?!? Oh, I forgot: this is the woman who took an X-Acto knife to a spider bite on her leg."

"Okay, first of all, I soaked it in alcohol first. And SECOND, just who was the person who told me it was all swelled up because the spider had laid eggs and now there were baby spiders in there?!?"

"Well, how was I to know you were going to listen to me??? NOBODY listens to me."