My post the other day about how couples handle finances has led to a very interesting (at least to us) e-mail exchange between Nancy and me about other aspects of couplehood. She wrote, "Here's a topic for a blog one of these days: how couples resolve conflicts. Let me tell you something I heard recently that struck me as absolutely crazy. This couple schedules a meeting every week to discuss their grievances with each other, and all during the week, whenever they get mad about something, they write it down to bring up at the meeting." I agree with Nancy: that sounds completely insane to me. It's like making an appointment to pick a fight! Or as Alan pointed out, if you disagree so often about so many things that it takes a meeting every single week to resolve them, maybe it's time to re-think that relationship.

Nancy writes, "I couldn't live with a person who yelled at me and insulted me or had a violent temper." I concur wholeheartedly. I know people who thrive on drama and conflict and like a good argument, see it as healthy even - and maybe it is, for them. But I have an extreme aversion to drama and I'd much rather suck it up than argue. It would have to be a pretty major issue for me to consider it worth arguing about.

I had to answer her question with a bit of a non-answer. Alan and I haven't had conflicts on any major issues thus far, so I can't say how we would have resolved them. We tend to have very similar ideas about the big things like finances, ethics, responsibility, careers - probably because we come from very similar backgrounds. In general, we mean about the same thing when we say, for example, 'a nice neighborhood', 'a decent hotel', 'a good job'; we have similar expectations about things like - oh, holding down a regular job, participating in pet care and household chores. We simply haven't had anything arise that would require major compromise on one of our parts.

As far as the smaller, minor things that come up in everyday life, well, those are minor things and in my mind not worth bickering over. I'm sure I get on his nerves sometimes and vice versa, but (for me at least) when I compare some momentary annoyance to what a considerate, wonderful, loving person he is, there is no contest between whether I'd rather bitch about it or STFU and deal. I guess I weigh it internally and decide 'this is not the hill I want to die on', to use a military cliche.

Alan walked through and asked what I was blogging about. He had a slightly different take on matters. Here is Alan on how we resolve conflicts: "I'm like, 'ye-AH bitch!' and you're like 'nuh-uh' and I'm like 'oh yeah you will!' and you're like, 'nuh-uh', and I'm like' uh-huh' and you're like 'uh-huh'!"

How do you, as a couple, resolve conflicts? Feel free to answer anonymously. Although if anyone responds that they resolve conflicts "by me coming upside his fool head with a ukulele" - Heather, we're going to know it was you.