I love the Food Network, even when I have no interest in the recipes. I love Alton Brown and Rachael Ray, I love making fun of gorgeous Giada's Cranium of Unusual Size, laughing over my secret suspicion about Ina Garten, snarking on Sandra Lee and her bizarre, cluttered "tablescapes" - but mostly I love Alton Brown.
Giada was driving me crazy with the commercials for her new travel show, because I thought I was a girl who knew her Italian sports cars, yet I could NOT figure out what Giada was driving. My problem was one of assumption: I figured being born in Rome and being named De Laurentiis, Giada's cute convertible had to be Italian. Stumped, I turned to my source for automotive trivia: my dad. I actually made him watch Food Network (we think this may have been what pushed him over the edge and caused hospitalization), but I figured it would be okay since he wouldn't have to watch long. They're airing that commercial about every 7 minutes. Sure enough, her happy, yet oddly rectangular, smile appeared in her little blue convertible, my dad glanced at the screen for all of 3 seconds and pronounced, "Austin Healy. [squints at steering wheel] Austin Healy 100. Probably 1956." My dad pwns all.
This is my favorite Alton Brown Moment, from the episode Pork Fiction: "Now, collagen being a protein couldn't care what liquid it dissolves in but since we plan to take this braising liquid later on and reduce it into a sauce it would be a very good thing to have a balance of acidity, salinity and sweetness. So, into a microwavable container will go for moisture and acidity 1 cup of white wine. Bolster that with two tablespoons of white wine vinegar. If you don't have white wine vinegar it's okay. Just use any vinegar that you've got. Two tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce. That takes care of the salty. Now for the sweet, a tablespoon of honey. And I never measure this stuff. I just figure that each squeeze is a teaspoon. So, three squeezes. One. Two. Three. Three teaspoons makes a tablespoon. Now really last but not least, two smashed and chopped cloves of garlic. You don't have to be pretty with it. You don't have to be fancy with it. Now, why garlic? Hey, garlic don't need no reason!" [smashes garlic to smithereens with piece of marble] "Garlic don't need no reason" is my cooking mantra, my favorite slogan, my motto. I want to put it up in big wooden letters somewhere in my kitchen.
As far as Ina Garten the Barefoot Contessa and my secret suspicion, one day while watching her show, this notion popped into my head - I don't know why, maybe it's because she and husband Jeffrey look so completely nice and normal and wholesome, maybe it's because she speaks in such a soothing voice, maybe it's because there's only so much one can do in the Hamptons before boredom sets in, but I decided that she and Jeffrey were total out-there freaks, sexually speaking. Like Jeffrey would lure you to dinner with promises of Ina's culinary delights and before you know it, you'd be hanging from a sling in the back bedroom, coated in caramel with a butternut squash up your ass.
Since that moment, everything she says is a double entendre: "you have to whip this very gently so it will stiffen properly", "when beating, there is a fine line between just enough and too much", "you want to make sure this is firm enough before proceeding", "you can use a reamer for this, if you don't want to do it by hand" etc. etc. Every weekend I watch her show and giggle maniacally. The best shows are the ones with Jeffrey, because he acts all innocent as though "read the newspaper" weren't some kind of private euphemism - but I know better. Alan says I've ruined that show for him, because now he can't watch it without unwanted images coming to mind. Heh heh.
Giada was driving me crazy with the commercials for her new travel show, because I thought I was a girl who knew her Italian sports cars, yet I could NOT figure out what Giada was driving. My problem was one of assumption: I figured being born in Rome and being named De Laurentiis, Giada's cute convertible had to be Italian. Stumped, I turned to my source for automotive trivia: my dad. I actually made him watch Food Network (we think this may have been what pushed him over the edge and caused hospitalization), but I figured it would be okay since he wouldn't have to watch long. They're airing that commercial about every 7 minutes. Sure enough, her happy, yet oddly rectangular, smile appeared in her little blue convertible, my dad glanced at the screen for all of 3 seconds and pronounced, "Austin Healy. [squints at steering wheel] Austin Healy 100. Probably 1956." My dad pwns all.
This is my favorite Alton Brown Moment, from the episode Pork Fiction: "Now, collagen being a protein couldn't care what liquid it dissolves in but since we plan to take this braising liquid later on and reduce it into a sauce it would be a very good thing to have a balance of acidity, salinity and sweetness. So, into a microwavable container will go for moisture and acidity 1 cup of white wine. Bolster that with two tablespoons of white wine vinegar. If you don't have white wine vinegar it's okay. Just use any vinegar that you've got. Two tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce. That takes care of the salty. Now for the sweet, a tablespoon of honey. And I never measure this stuff. I just figure that each squeeze is a teaspoon. So, three squeezes. One. Two. Three. Three teaspoons makes a tablespoon. Now really last but not least, two smashed and chopped cloves of garlic. You don't have to be pretty with it. You don't have to be fancy with it. Now, why garlic? Hey, garlic don't need no reason!" [smashes garlic to smithereens with piece of marble] "Garlic don't need no reason" is my cooking mantra, my favorite slogan, my motto. I want to put it up in big wooden letters somewhere in my kitchen.
As far as Ina Garten the Barefoot Contessa and my secret suspicion, one day while watching her show, this notion popped into my head - I don't know why, maybe it's because she and husband Jeffrey look so completely nice and normal and wholesome, maybe it's because she speaks in such a soothing voice, maybe it's because there's only so much one can do in the Hamptons before boredom sets in, but I decided that she and Jeffrey were total out-there freaks, sexually speaking. Like Jeffrey would lure you to dinner with promises of Ina's culinary delights and before you know it, you'd be hanging from a sling in the back bedroom, coated in caramel with a butternut squash up your ass.
Since that moment, everything she says is a double entendre: "you have to whip this very gently so it will stiffen properly", "when beating, there is a fine line between just enough and too much", "you want to make sure this is firm enough before proceeding", "you can use a reamer for this, if you don't want to do it by hand" etc. etc. Every weekend I watch her show and giggle maniacally. The best shows are the ones with Jeffrey, because he acts all innocent as though "read the newspaper" weren't some kind of private euphemism - but I know better. Alan says I've ruined that show for him, because now he can't watch it without unwanted images coming to mind. Heh heh.
6 Comments:
"...before you know it, you'd be hanging from a sling in the back bedroom, coated in caramel with a butternut squash up your ass."
If I come back to Georgia, I know what I want to do.
By
Anonymous, at 10:04 PM
Your article is very informative and helped me further.
Thanks, David
By
Anonymous, at 9:04 PM
David is weird, I thought I'd say, you know, get that out of the way first.
Your dad is ace.
And the garlic thing? I agree, it's brilliant, I am wondering if I can just stencil it onto the kitchen wall.
That said, I so want to read this out loud to Will - except he's working and he's far - all the way in the dining room - and he'll just be annoyed that he can't hear, he'll have to get up and come in here, and then he'll raise his eyebrows as if to say "You interrupted me because why? Helly sees a double entendre everywhere? And this makes her just like you? Oooo, how exciting! Can I get back to work now?" And then go back to work. So I won't.
I want to, though.
By
Anonymous, at 9:13 PM
I hate comment spammers, but I hate word verification more. Although I must say David has rather missed the point as there is no weblink in his spam.
Earlier today, I deleted a comment spam about dog rhinoplasty (of all things). Sprocket breathed a visible sigh of relief.
And double entendres everywhere? Yet another thing we foul-mouthed tattooed trollops have in common!
By
Helly, at 11:45 PM
I'll never look at butternut squash the same way again.
That sort of reminded me of a legend at Georgia Southern. There was a librarian, a very odd looking man who bicycled around campus in an old-fashioned suit and hat, though he was not past middle age , and it was rumored that he had this huge collection of porn. One time he invited my English professor and his wife over for dinner - they told me the story - and they had a perfectly nice meal with wine and sophisticated literary chat, and then after dinner they adjourned to the living room and out came the porn. Even though they'd heard the rumor, they absolutely didn't expect an evening of adult entertainment after dinner. but to be polite, they did sit in the living room with their host and watch a porn video. That's all there is to my story, which is nothing compared to butternut squash, but hey, it was scandalous at the time!
By
Anonymous Me, at 8:24 PM
Nancy, that's like the Saturday Night Live sketch come to life. Do you know the one I mean? - with Rachel Dratch and Will Farrell, who play Professor Roger Klarvin and Professor Virginia Klarvin. They constantly call each other "my lovaaah" and regale their guests with intrusive questions and far too much info about their own intimacy. Extreme guest discomfort usually ends with the guest leaving as The Lovahs begin a wild orgy but I'm guessing if that happened to your English prof, he didn't share that part with you. :-)
By
Helly, at 5:41 PM
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