I would like to say a heartfelt, enthusiastic thank you to everyone who commented, e-mailed, telephoned or showed up in person to offer support and good wishes for my dad. I had delayed a follow-up post because I'd hoped to have more concrete information; although I still don't, I wanted to let all of you who were kind enough to share good thoughts, prayers and positive energy know what was going on.
My dad has cancer. It is in his left kidney and the liver, with some involvement of surrounding blood vessels.
He had an appointment today with his oncologist, which I hoped would result in things like, oh, I dunno, a definite diagnosis, treatment options/recommendations, prognosis. However, nothing seems to have been determined or decided. My parents both seem totally content with platitudes like "I feel good about our chances" instead of asking questions, insisting upon more concrete options, definite plans...I'm in a weird position because a platitude sooooo isn't good enough for me and it's hard to understand why it's good enough for him/them - but then again, it isn't my body or my life, but then on the other hand it IS my dad so I ought to have a say, but he's the parent so I can't order him around, and so....AAARRRRGGH!
I don't know what the future holds for my dad as a person or for us as a family, but I am so very very grateful for all of you: for your advice, for your support, for your friendship and for yourselves. I, like, heart you and stuff.
My dad has cancer. It is in his left kidney and the liver, with some involvement of surrounding blood vessels.
He had an appointment today with his oncologist, which I hoped would result in things like, oh, I dunno, a definite diagnosis, treatment options/recommendations, prognosis. However, nothing seems to have been determined or decided. My parents both seem totally content with platitudes like "I feel good about our chances" instead of asking questions, insisting upon more concrete options, definite plans...I'm in a weird position because a platitude sooooo isn't good enough for me and it's hard to understand why it's good enough for him/them - but then again, it isn't my body or my life, but then on the other hand it IS my dad so I ought to have a say, but he's the parent so I can't order him around, and so....AAARRRRGGH!
I don't know what the future holds for my dad as a person or for us as a family, but I am so very very grateful for all of you: for your advice, for your support, for your friendship and for yourselves. I, like, heart you and stuff.
10 Comments:
Parents are frustrating, it's true. For years and years and years, my dad had this dangerous looking growth on his ear. Not only did it look dangerous, it was ooooogly. I'm not sure what finally made him crack, but he went to the doctor for it this year (we were all afraid it would be something bad), and it seems to be nothing but an ugly growth. I don't know if he was afraid to go to the doctor, or just didn't want to go. This is my way of saying, I understand how frustrating it is dealing with the platitudes & the parentaltudes. Do you think that maybe your parents would give you permission to talk to the doctor on your own? To learn things that maybe they don't want to hear? It seems like there are so many things that could be done or explored. Like you (and fortunately, my mom), I want to know all the details of everything, and then I want to look them up online and do research.
After reading your post last week, I'm just very glad to know that your dad is around to annoy you. I didn't know what to expect from that post.
Do you watch Nip/Tuck? Maybe a mouse can grow your dad a kidney on its back, like it grew an ear for Rosie O'Donnell. I'll bet we're not too far off from having that happen.
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Anonymous, at 5:01 AM
Thanks for the update, Helly. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.
Ditto to what Flippy said. If it weren't for my mom, I often wonder if my dad would still be around.
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basil, at 6:46 AM
Wow, Helly - I never know what to write at times like this except to say I'm sorry and I hope everyone is doing well. The tough thing about medicine and health is despite all their training docs are only making educated guesses.
Well that's cheery. Just know I'm rooting for you all. You seem to have a loving family and that alone does wonders for any sick person.
-Sandy
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Topcat, at 8:05 AM
A friend of mine from Spain, his father had cancer, and nobody told him or his wife. They just told the kids. At first I was horrified by that lack of honesty, but later I thought, maybe it was kinder. It must be so hard to live thinking you're about to die. I don't know - seems like you don't hardly get a prognosis anymore because they can always be wrong. Maybe it's better, especially for your parents, to focus on the positive as much as they possibly can. However, I have to say I completely relate to your point of view and your frustration because I felt exactly the same with my parents.
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Anonymous Me, at 8:57 AM
I'm so sorry. Cancer is scary. My grandpa had liver cancer. He pretty much told the doctors to go to hell and didn't do anything about it. He and my grandma were of the opinion that he had lived a long full life and if it was his time to go who was he to stop it? He hung on far longer than the doctors thought he would be able to and didn't pass away til the cancer had spread to his lungs.
Maybe your mom and dad are staying positive for you. They may be discussing options/etc together but don't want to share the worry with you? I know that if I found out I had cancer, I would gloss over the bad parts with my family and concentrate on my relationship with them and making it as positive as possible.
I'll be thinking about you and your family. Waiting and not knowing is always the worst part. I hope to read good news soon!
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Kristal, at 10:24 AM
I'm sorry to hear about this, Helly.
I have nothing helpful to say, but I wish you and your family all the best.
Afton
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Anonymous, at 10:40 AM
Well, it's a good thing that the doctor is saying he feels good about his chances. You know, they never said that to me. And I'm still here - knock on wood -. So that's good, right? Find out what the doctor's plan is. Whether you need to talk about it with your parents first - the finding out - or you can talk to the doctor directly, I don't know. I always feel better when I am informed. Knowledge is power and all that. Big hugs to you and your family, sweetheart, you're in my thoughts, you know that.
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Anonymous, at 11:48 AM
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words and good wishes. I appreciate it so much!
To address several of your questions, what's frustrating to me is that this oncologist doesn't HAVE a plan, at least not now - he might do another biopsy in a week or so, he isn't starting chemo, he isn't recommending surgery, as far as I can tell he's doing a whole bunch of not much, yet for whatever reason this doesn't seem to be motivating my dad to switch doctors. It seems to me, like Flippy says, there are a lot of things that might be done and I'm puzzled about why we're doing none of them.
I cannot talk to the doctor myself anytime soon, because for the next several days I will be on an extreme drunken bender, trying to eradicate the image from my mind of a mouse growing pieces of Rosie O'Donnell on its back. Thanks, Flippy.
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Helly, at 12:10 PM
Hang in there - we are still thinking of you and your family daily! Although you can't make decisions for your dad and mom, when you do find out what the diagnosis/prognosis is - you can educate yourself about it and be there with info when they may be ready to talk about it. I don't have clinical experience in oncology, but I understand the frustration about wanting to know asap about what is going on and what to do - I imagine the MD and staff will be working to get that info to you as soon as they can. It is a tough spot to be in - the adult child when a parent is ill, but there are many resources you can tap into to help things go as smoothly as possible. You have such a wonderful, kind, supportive family - just knowing that about your folks will likely make his treatment go well. Positive outlook and attitude in patients are so key! Keep us updated when you can.
Lisa :)
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Anonymous, at 12:37 PM
Hugs and kisses to all of y'all.
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Anonymous, at 2:57 PM
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