It’s been far too long since this blog has addressed any relevant mysteries of the universe and I intend to remedy that posthaste. Prompted by a discussion with his spouse, a friend of mine just asked, with quizzical countenance and awestruck gesture toward my purse, “What do you chicks KEEP in those things, anyway?”

Let’s explore that, shall we? After all, what could be more enlightening and entertaining than an examination of the contents of my purse?

First of all, the purse itself: black leather, Fossil, $45 retail.

Hanging from it by a belt clip is my Nokia cell phone. Give me a call sometime - my ring tone is the Formula One Podium Celebration Theme, which we tifosi just loooove to hear, and hear often. It’s far less well-known as Georges Bizet’s March of the Toreadors, but I don’t think he even followed F-1, so poo on him.

In the outer zip pocket: 12-piece package of Dentyne Arctic Chill with five pieces remaining, two wet-naps from last night’s dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar, a receipt from BJ’s wholesale club where I spent $187.22, mostly on The Finn’s new automatic litterbox, a ticket stub from the September 17th production of Fiddler On The Roof directed by my friend Anne, a tube of Neutrogena MoistureShine pink lip gloss (“Tickled”) and a tube of Neutrogena MoistureShine clear lip gloss ("Sweet Nothing") both of which my mom bought me during the BJ’s expedition. What punny names Neutrogena uses - cosmetics are such fun! Whee!

Inside in the interior zip pocket: contact lens case, rewetting drops, nail glue. Nothing entertaining about Bausch & Lomb or Broadway - they entitle their products merely "rewetting drops" and "glue". Humourless bastards.

Interior proper contains one black leather Via Fina wallet holding: drivers’ license, insurance card, credit cards, a few checks, my Georgia Terrorist Hunting Permit (no bag limit, tagging not required), a million dollar bill which I know is phony and therefore I will not try to spend it at Wal-Mart - you laugh but it happened (in Covington), a receipt from Pepe’s Cozumel (673.25 pesos), a receipt from Speedgear ($90.00), cash ($27.89) and some business cards.

Interior further contains: bunch of keys on lovely gold-and-blue St. Louis Blues key ring, crumpled tissues (at least two but possibly as many as four), receipt from The Olive Garden ($66.29), white thing that is possibly an aspirin but possibly a mint, sterling-and-onyx cigarette lighter, paper clip, Mont Blanc pen which was a gift from World’s Greatest Boss on some Christmas past, one earring back, tube of Lancome mascara (high definition, black, waterproof), Chanel powder compact (“Translucent 1"), Revlon lipstick (“Sugar Plum”), Chanel lipstick (“Fling”), Chanel lipstick (“Chilled Wine”), Revlon lipstick (“Iced Amethyst”).

So, while some progress was made in exploring the mystery of what at least one chick keeps in her purse, yet another far more enigmatic and crucial conundrum has emerged: why the hell do I have so many lipsticks?!?

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!