The Hellhole

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm recovering pretty well from Monday's surgery on my Lady Parts. One of the biggest things, as Flippy pointed out, is coming down off all the stress associated with the bad results, the biopsy, dreading the surgery, etc.

What follows is going to be kind of a squicky post because I'm going to write about the surgery, but there are a couple of funny moments in there, especially if you have a dark sense of humour. Still - squickiness, discussion of surgery and Lady Parts. You have been warned.

I was given a prescription for Ativan and told to take one an hour before my appointment. Probably it was only the relaxing effect of the drug that kept me from hanging from the ceiling by my fingernails - I was askairt. [Interestingly, Blogger's spellcheck dislikes "Ativan" but has no problem with "askairt". Blogger is a redneck.] The first thing that happened was that an assistant stuck a huge COLDCOLDCOLD electrical grounding pad to my thigh because my doctor was going to do a LEEP, looping electrosurgical excision procedure, and I needed to be grounded. I hardly needed to see a physician for this; I've known I wasn't well grounded for years.

Next, Dr. G came in to do the aenesthetic, which she called a 'blocker'. I had not given this part of the procedure much thought as I have severe needlephobia, but figured I could get through one injection since there would be a drapery between me and said needle. Ha! No, chums, this was shots, plural, driven directly into the cervix. She warned me that the injections would both sting and burn, much as Bart Simpson points out that "this both sucks AND blows!"

Dr. G is very patient and kind, the sort of doctor who explains step-by-step what she's doing and why. I'm not so sure this is a good thing, in retrospect. Her sweet, patient voice told me, "That was the first injection...good, you're doing fine...good, now, there, that was the second..."

I made no comment and she observed, "At this point most people ask me, 'just how many are there?!?'"

I replied, "Well, that occurred to me but I was afraid that if I asked, you'd TELL me."

Dr. G laughed and said, "There are four...there, that's three..." and of course, in defiance of medical belief, instead of getting better as we went along and portions of my innards were numbed, I found each shot more horrible than the last and even jumped at number four. At that point, Dr. G left me to fret, imagine horrible horrors of horrific awfulness and ramp up my anxiety. Oh, sure, she said it was to give the blocker time to take effect, but I saw through her little ruse.

She came back in after hours interminable twelve minutes or so and explained the implements of torture she would be using, what each looked and sounded like, and the use of each. One thing was an aspirator, which she explained would be used to clear the smoke if the smoke got thick, because "If there's too much smoke, I can't see what I'm doing." Now, my internal bodily body parts making smoke is something I had hitherto not imagined and could really have done without imagining. However, at this point, my real illness - far more disturbing than a wee touch of cootchie cancer - manifested as I thought, and later sang to Alan, my mom, Bo and Sarah, a la Deep Purple, "Smooooke on my cerrr-vix! Grounding on my thi-igh!"

Then came the actual LEEP which was far less awful than the shots. The first pass of the wire, I did not feel at all. But because my problem was fairly invasive, she took a second pass and I felt some mild discomfort on that one - still nothing unbearable, though. After that, a salve was applied, which I only felt in terms of coldness.

Next, Dr. G explained that she'd be sending off the two pieces of tissue to the lab, "Where they'll make about a million slides to make sure I excised it all," and brandished her lab jar. I asked, "Can I see?" and she handed it over. I tilted the jar this way and that, examining it from different angles and said, "Wow, chunks of my cervix...I'm both horrified and fascinated." She laughed and said, "Well, horrified fascination is a major part of medicine!"

After that, I was allowed to collect myself, clean up and get dressed. At this point I got seriously shaky - I don't know why, it was all over by that point, but I did. I don't think my signature on the receipt for my co-pay was even legible except for the "H". Alan took me home and tucked me into bed. Dr. G had told me that I'd be in some pain once the blocker wore off, but this hurt a good deal worse than I expected even after reading a pamphlet and talking to her. I'm still getting some twinges, mostly when I am active - walking from the parking deck to my office, cleaning up something - less so when I lie around like a lazy slug. Understandable, that's my natural state.

On the positive side, after SMOOOOKE on my CERRRR-VIX, Alan can now tell everyone, 100% truthfully, that he's got a smokin' hot wife.

6 Comments:

  • You had me nervously fidgeting in my chair. Whew! I'm glad that's over and that you're okay!

    By Blogger A Margarita, at 9:23 AM  

  • I was struck dumb when I read this the first time. I'm so glad that you're okay and it's all over with and you'll most likely never have shots in your cervix ever, ever again.

    By Blogger Nancy, at 10:07 PM  

  • Sounds ooky. I'm glad it's done, but sorry you have those nasty sounding pains. I hope they're gone by now.

    By Anonymous Flippy, at 4:23 AM  

  • Shots in your cervix, ugh! They should have just knocked you out. There's something to be said for breathing in one sec and waking up the next with it all done.

    BTW the Parseghian principle didnt' work and it's my fault. Whomever I am rooting for in the Super Bowl will not win and that apparently trumps your theory.

    By Blogger Topcat, at 3:23 PM  

  • Hell, we've all known for years that you were smokin' hot. You just have PROOF now.

    Very glad you're doing okay.

    cheers,
    Phil

    By Anonymous Phil C., at 9:40 AM  

  • At least the meds/surgery didn't have the side effect of making you un-funny. That usually happens with me... the slightest bit of drama and I lose my sense of humor! ;-)

    Glad you have it over with and all went well.

    By Blogger kristal, at 12:38 PM  

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