As a counterpoint to my posts about weird things people stole from our office (3 and 4 December), this is a story about a weird thing left in our office - we presume by an intruder.
On one wall, we had interoffice mailboxes with each of our names on one where Sheila sorted the mail, distributed memos and the like. I don't want to go into too much detail about my cow-irkers but a couple of them are really laid back, I'm friends with most of them and one of them is very high-maintenance, quick to anger and instant to perceive insult when, truly, none was intended. So guess which one this happened to?
AC (Angry Cow-irker) comes blowing in one day from a meeting and grabs the stuff out of its (neutral gender pronoun incorrect but used on purpose) mailbox, goes to its office to look over mail, memos, etc. and suddenly begins the shrieking. "WHO PUT THIS IN MY MAILBOX? WHY IS THIS IN MY MAILBOX? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"
Sheila and I stick our heads out of our offices, look up and down the hall at one another in complete puzzlement. She mouths, "What did you do?" and I mouth back, "Nothing," which is met with skepticism so I wander over and hiss, "Difficult as it may be to believe, really nothing - got no idea what [it's] on about." The shrieking continues, varying slightly but the point is, why is this in its mailbox, who did it, who would do such a thing, why has someone targeted AC?!?!?!?!?!?
There was beef jerky in the mailbox.
It was one stick of beef jerky, like a Slim Jim except it wasn't a Slim Jim, it was some weird generic off-brand that none of us had seen before (or since, 'cause after that Sheila and I kept an eye out for it even though we didn't want to buy any). And there was no reason for That Much Fuss, because it was still wrapped in its little plastic tube - it's not like stinky beef jerky grease had gotten all over important papers or something.
AC was irate. There was BEEF JERKY in the mailbox. Oh, the humanity!
Much indignation was displayed. During meetings, there were accusations. No one admitted to beef jerky planting.
I know I didn't do it and after a couple of weeks I asked The Boss. I'm pretty sure, even if he'd denied it at the time, he'd have owned up to me. Sheila thought the same about the co-worker to whom she was closest. Honestly, I thought maybe it had arrived at someone's house as part of a treat basket and, not wanting it, that person had tossed it into AC's mailbox. The problem with that theory was, everyone in the office agreed it seemed logical and likely, but no one would admit to doing it when I talked to them individually and Off The Record. I think the other folks would have told me, really, because it was understood that I wanted to know so as to give credit where credit was due, not rat someone out. But to a man, everyone said (rather regretfully) that they wished they had thought of it, especially once they saw how furious AC was, but that no, they hadn't and just for future reference, where did that weird yellow-labeled off-brand Slim Jim come from anyway? Again, as silly as it sounded, it seemed that someone had breached security, picked our locks and snuck in for the sole purpose of leaving behind: GENERIC SLIM JIMS!!! Oh noes!
We've talked about this a few times in the intervening years and, if they're being truthful, no one really knows from whence the off-brand Slim Jim came, or how it wound up in AC's mailbox. Every once in a while, even now, I call Sheila up, sing to a jaunty tune, "Beef jerky in the maillllll-box! Beef jerky in the maillllll-BOX!" and hang up. She calls me back and says, "You are NOT. RIGHT." which I already knew, didn't y'all?
SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! Do it for me, and Angry Cow-irker!
On one wall, we had interoffice mailboxes with each of our names on one where Sheila sorted the mail, distributed memos and the like. I don't want to go into too much detail about my cow-irkers but a couple of them are really laid back, I'm friends with most of them and one of them is very high-maintenance, quick to anger and instant to perceive insult when, truly, none was intended. So guess which one this happened to?
AC (Angry Cow-irker) comes blowing in one day from a meeting and grabs the stuff out of its (neutral gender pronoun incorrect but used on purpose) mailbox, goes to its office to look over mail, memos, etc. and suddenly begins the shrieking. "WHO PUT THIS IN MY MAILBOX? WHY IS THIS IN MY MAILBOX? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"
Sheila and I stick our heads out of our offices, look up and down the hall at one another in complete puzzlement. She mouths, "What did you do?" and I mouth back, "Nothing," which is met with skepticism so I wander over and hiss, "Difficult as it may be to believe, really nothing - got no idea what [it's] on about." The shrieking continues, varying slightly but the point is, why is this in its mailbox, who did it, who would do such a thing, why has someone targeted AC?!?!?!?!?!?
There was beef jerky in the mailbox.
It was one stick of beef jerky, like a Slim Jim except it wasn't a Slim Jim, it was some weird generic off-brand that none of us had seen before (or since, 'cause after that Sheila and I kept an eye out for it even though we didn't want to buy any). And there was no reason for That Much Fuss, because it was still wrapped in its little plastic tube - it's not like stinky beef jerky grease had gotten all over important papers or something.
AC was irate. There was BEEF JERKY in the mailbox. Oh, the humanity!
Much indignation was displayed. During meetings, there were accusations. No one admitted to beef jerky planting.
I know I didn't do it and after a couple of weeks I asked The Boss. I'm pretty sure, even if he'd denied it at the time, he'd have owned up to me. Sheila thought the same about the co-worker to whom she was closest. Honestly, I thought maybe it had arrived at someone's house as part of a treat basket and, not wanting it, that person had tossed it into AC's mailbox. The problem with that theory was, everyone in the office agreed it seemed logical and likely, but no one would admit to doing it when I talked to them individually and Off The Record. I think the other folks would have told me, really, because it was understood that I wanted to know so as to give credit where credit was due, not rat someone out. But to a man, everyone said (rather regretfully) that they wished they had thought of it, especially once they saw how furious AC was, but that no, they hadn't and just for future reference, where did that weird yellow-labeled off-brand Slim Jim come from anyway? Again, as silly as it sounded, it seemed that someone had breached security, picked our locks and snuck in for the sole purpose of leaving behind: GENERIC SLIM JIMS!!! Oh noes!
We've talked about this a few times in the intervening years and, if they're being truthful, no one really knows from whence the off-brand Slim Jim came, or how it wound up in AC's mailbox. Every once in a while, even now, I call Sheila up, sing to a jaunty tune, "Beef jerky in the maillllll-box! Beef jerky in the maillllll-BOX!" and hang up. She calls me back and says, "You are NOT. RIGHT." which I already knew, didn't y'all?
SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! Do it for me, and Angry Cow-irker!
2 Comments:
I confess, I wish I did it. I will do such things, anonymously. But alas, you are too far away.
Do you know what brand it was? Does she still have the evidence? I'm sure she does, considering, in her mind, it's probably a horrible criminal act. Now, my mind won't rest until I have more than a generic Slim Jim to go by.
(an aside, dammit, I hate having to use my Blogger account to sign and get the informative auto-emails.)
By
Unknown, at 6:34 AM
If I remember correctly, it was called "Happy Trails" - looked just like a Slim Jim but in a yellow wrapper. We kept it in the break room for a long time and occasionally threatened one another with it. Sheila might have tossed it when we moved offices. I'll have to ask her; we work in separate places now.
By
Helly, at 9:08 AM
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