Are you tired of the long wait for Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith? Well, you need wait no longer because this very afternoon I bring you Helly's Handy Condensed Pocket Version. It takes a lot less time without all the special effects. But BE WARNED: very real spoilers here there be.

Anakin Skywalker: I’m tired of being a Padawan. I wanna be a Jedi Knight.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Okay, so go kill Count Dooku. He’s Darth Tyranus, you know.

Anakin Skywalker: ‘K. Meh, I’m tired of being a Jedi Knight. I wanna be a Jedi Master.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You are not ready.

Anakin Skywalker: Fine, then! I’ll turn to the Dark Side!

Cos Palpatine: Oooh, me too! Me too! Now I’m Emperor!

Yoda: Fast so not. Your ass, kick I will.

Cos Palpatine: Nah, I’m Darth Sidious. Take that!

Organa: C’mon, Yoda, let’s bail.

Yoda: A very bad pun that was. Still, a point you have.

Jedi Knights: OW! (dies)

Mace Windu: OW! (dies)

Jedi Younglings: OW! (dies)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Dammit, Anakin! This time you’ve really ticked me off.

Anakin: Nanee-nanee-boo-boo, can’t kill me!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: No, but I can mangle your legs and chop off your left arm and toss you into a Mustafar volcano! There, that’ll teach you to embrace the Dark Side!

Anakin: OW! (fries, flops around a bit)

Darth Sidious: You Clone Troopers there! Pick that up! I might need it later.

Padme Amidala: Lawzy! I don’ know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies! OW! (dies)

Bail Organa: Oooh, what cute little kidlets! I’ll take the pink one.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I don’t remember giving you first pick. Oh, okay, gimme the boy one.

Yoda: Out of here I am. To Dagobah I am exiling.

Vader: Hey, whatcha building?

Cos Palpatine: Heh, check it: it’s a DEATH STAR. It’s really neat!

Vader: Cool. Let’s blow stuff up.

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!