Today’s moment of Atlanta Traffic Idiocy: MLK at Washington Street, 8:38 am. This is a four-lane, one-way street. The right lane is blocked by a Gwinnett County Transit bus which has stopped there for no apparent reason (no one is getting on or off). I am grumpy in the morning and so the contradiction annoys me: how can they be in transit if the bus is just sitting there? That's being in stasis. The next lane is blocked by another bus reading (seriously) Nancy and Udean’s Christian Tours. It’s parked mostly in the second-right lane just ahead of the GCT bus, probably to try to heal the Gwinnetians with prayer. The next lane is theoretically open to forward traffic, only a Lincoln Navigator has that one blocked because he wants to turn into his parking deck but traffic inside the parking deck has backed up to the street. A UPS driver with a vital delivery to make has stopped in the far left lane to read over his clipboard. All this, and me without an AK-47 (Chip won’t let me borrow his).

Which brings me to the second-ever contest on my blog: I will give a valuable prize to anyone who submits, in the form of photographic proof, evidence that any UPS driver ANYWHERE has ever used a parking space. Be warned, my friend Laurel will be able to tell if you’ve Photoshopped your entry!

Michael Jackson is being arraigned today. I can’t decide if I think he’s guilty or not. It’s terrible for those kids if it’s true and awful for him if he’s falsely accused. Personally, I find him so totally weird and disconnected from reality that it’s hard to believe he’d be into something as ordinary as run-of-the-mill paedophilia. I couldn’t tell you what I think he’s into, just that it’s some fetish so totally bizarre and (pardon the pun) off the wall that it doesn’t have a name yet.

In Fulton County, a couple is under arrest for the beating death of their five-month-old, who annoyed its father with its crying. Now, I may not seem qualified to dispense child-rearing advice, not having any of my own, but here’s a thought: if you want the kid to stop crying, STOP BEATING IT. Call it a hunch.

Hmpf. Once I become Supreme High Dictator, some things are gonna change - first of all, there will be an IQ prerequisite for certain activities, driving and procreating chief among them. Doubtless some bedwetting liberals will whine that I am discriminating against the less intelligent and uneducated, and to them I have but two words: damn right.