Last night I asked my friend Laurel, who’s an EMT on the Grady Hospital/downtown/Buckhead circuit (that’s Buckhood to you locals) to relate the weirdest thing she’d ever seen in the course of her job. She told me some very funny stories, the two best of which were a guy who called saying he’d been snakebitten and a ‘cut foot’ call. Snakebit Guy showed them his wound, which was two little marks on his side that according to Laurel could easily have been cat claw marks, and told this tale of a dude he'd never seen before coming into his house carrying one of “them squeezing kind” of snakes. The dude put the snake down, the snake bit the guy, the dude picked his snake back up and left. Okaaaaay. So Laurel asks if he’s on any medication and Snakebit Guy says something like, “Yeah, I’m supposed to be, but I’m out!”
“What’s your medication for?”
“Schizophrenia!”
Mmmm-hmmm. Definite snakebite; I hope Laurel had enough antivenin on hand to save him.
Cutfoot Guy is funny too but look out, there’s some grossness and profanity coming. Like I said, they got a call about a guy with a cut foot and so off they go but are having a hard time finding the address. While turning around in a parking lot, cop cars come screaming up so they realize they’re in the right place. The cops bust in and find the apartment literally covered in blood - walls, carpet, everywhere. Cutfoot Guy escapes from The Law by jumping out an upstairs window into a holly bush - major ouchies as Cutfoot Guy is buck naked - while Laurel is talking to his roommate to get information. Cutfoot Guy’s surname is “Kruger” (yeah, as in ‘Freddy’), and he works at the POST OFFICE! Bwahahaha! After a chase which ends at the glassfront entrance of a restaurant, startling a wobbly blue-hair, the cops suppress Cutfoot Guy and Laurel gets him to Grady. At this point it becomes obvious that not only his foot, but also his...um, package...is cut. The doctor asks Cutfoot Guy why he took a slice on the family jewels, and Cutfoot Guy says, [okay, here’s the profanity, skip ahead if you’re puritanical] “God told me to cut my dick off and shove it up my ass!” The doctor laughed out loud at that one, but I’m not so sure. I mean, if I was a god, that’s the kind of thing I’d be telling people to do, just to test how stupid they were. I’d say to the other gods like Ganesh, Osiris and Blind Io, “Y’all check out what I’m gonna tell this guy to do!” and they’d be saying “No way!” and “He’ll never do THAT!”, and we’d all be betting on whether or not he’d do it. I’d win; I’m certain there are no limits to human stupidity. Gives a whole new meaning to “go fuck yourself” at any rate.
I can’t even come close to her stories but this is the weirdest thing I, personally, have ever witnessed. Once I got to talking with a guy in this local pub (Atkins Park). He was really nice, not a pick-up artist jerk, and I mentioned how he seemed really familiar but I couldn’t place him. He said the same about me, so we ran through a list of where we work, went to college, that kind of thing, in search of commonality. Suddenly he says, “I know why you don’t recognize me! I used to have a beard! Wanna see?” I say sure, thinking he’s gonna show me a picture. BUT NOOOO! He pulls a ZIPLOC BAGGIE out of his pocket and he’s got the shaved-off beard IN THE BAGGIE AND IS CARRYING IT WITH HIM. Oh, and oddly enough, this guy didn't work at the post office.
“What’s your medication for?”
“Schizophrenia!”
Mmmm-hmmm. Definite snakebite; I hope Laurel had enough antivenin on hand to save him.
Cutfoot Guy is funny too but look out, there’s some grossness and profanity coming. Like I said, they got a call about a guy with a cut foot and so off they go but are having a hard time finding the address. While turning around in a parking lot, cop cars come screaming up so they realize they’re in the right place. The cops bust in and find the apartment literally covered in blood - walls, carpet, everywhere. Cutfoot Guy escapes from The Law by jumping out an upstairs window into a holly bush - major ouchies as Cutfoot Guy is buck naked - while Laurel is talking to his roommate to get information. Cutfoot Guy’s surname is “Kruger” (yeah, as in ‘Freddy’), and he works at the POST OFFICE! Bwahahaha! After a chase which ends at the glassfront entrance of a restaurant, startling a wobbly blue-hair, the cops suppress Cutfoot Guy and Laurel gets him to Grady. At this point it becomes obvious that not only his foot, but also his...um, package...is cut. The doctor asks Cutfoot Guy why he took a slice on the family jewels, and Cutfoot Guy says, [okay, here’s the profanity, skip ahead if you’re puritanical] “God told me to cut my dick off and shove it up my ass!” The doctor laughed out loud at that one, but I’m not so sure. I mean, if I was a god, that’s the kind of thing I’d be telling people to do, just to test how stupid they were. I’d say to the other gods like Ganesh, Osiris and Blind Io, “Y’all check out what I’m gonna tell this guy to do!” and they’d be saying “No way!” and “He’ll never do THAT!”, and we’d all be betting on whether or not he’d do it. I’d win; I’m certain there are no limits to human stupidity. Gives a whole new meaning to “go fuck yourself” at any rate.
I can’t even come close to her stories but this is the weirdest thing I, personally, have ever witnessed. Once I got to talking with a guy in this local pub (Atkins Park). He was really nice, not a pick-up artist jerk, and I mentioned how he seemed really familiar but I couldn’t place him. He said the same about me, so we ran through a list of where we work, went to college, that kind of thing, in search of commonality. Suddenly he says, “I know why you don’t recognize me! I used to have a beard! Wanna see?” I say sure, thinking he’s gonna show me a picture. BUT NOOOO! He pulls a ZIPLOC BAGGIE out of his pocket and he’s got the shaved-off beard IN THE BAGGIE AND IS CARRYING IT WITH HIM. Oh, and oddly enough, this guy didn't work at the post office.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home