FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. - Ambrose Bierce
Man, I have to go to ANOTHER funeral! Well, I may not go to the actual funeral but I’m going to the visitation at the funeral home tonight because my friend Patrick’s dad died. He was a Commander in the Navy so he’s being buried later on at Arlington, which I think is pretty cool (as these things go, that is). These recent funerals reminded me of a site I’d seen a long time ago via Dave Barry: Funeral Depot! The “theme” caskets are the best, but I can’t decide between the racing one and the Irish one. Meh - I'll probably go with my original plan to be buried at sea and fed to the fishes. Although I notice that Funeral Depot now offers “free next day casket delivery - guaranteed!”. That’s probably real important if you didn’t plan ahead to murder your husband and it was just one of those spur-of-the-moment kind of things.
Since I’m on the subject, here is a list of reasons why I’d kill my husband (if I had one):
1. Male pattern baldness (I think it’s ridiculous that men don’t put a stop to this trend - don’t they realize how silly it makes them look?)
2. Selling my dog on e-bay.
3. Toothpaste mishandling (leaving the cap off, getting hairs in the paste, squeezing big dents in one end or other of the tube).
4. Shaving any phrase such as “kick me” onto my cat.
5. Driving my car and grinding the gears (I can drive a stick shift - why can’t you????)
6. Calling me by the wrong name at an intimate moment - especially a name like “Bruce” or “Frank”.
7. Actually uttering the words “Pull my finger!” in my presence.
8. Halitosis.
9. Saying “Honey, we need to talk” when Notre Dame is fourth and two on the USC three yard line.
10. Listening to lots of fusion jazz and telling me in a supercilious tone why it’s more brilliant than King Crimson.
Man, I have to go to ANOTHER funeral! Well, I may not go to the actual funeral but I’m going to the visitation at the funeral home tonight because my friend Patrick’s dad died. He was a Commander in the Navy so he’s being buried later on at Arlington, which I think is pretty cool (as these things go, that is). These recent funerals reminded me of a site I’d seen a long time ago via Dave Barry: Funeral Depot! The “theme” caskets are the best, but I can’t decide between the racing one and the Irish one. Meh - I'll probably go with my original plan to be buried at sea and fed to the fishes. Although I notice that Funeral Depot now offers “free next day casket delivery - guaranteed!”. That’s probably real important if you didn’t plan ahead to murder your husband and it was just one of those spur-of-the-moment kind of things.
Since I’m on the subject, here is a list of reasons why I’d kill my husband (if I had one):
1. Male pattern baldness (I think it’s ridiculous that men don’t put a stop to this trend - don’t they realize how silly it makes them look?)
2. Selling my dog on e-bay.
3. Toothpaste mishandling (leaving the cap off, getting hairs in the paste, squeezing big dents in one end or other of the tube).
4. Shaving any phrase such as “kick me” onto my cat.
5. Driving my car and grinding the gears (I can drive a stick shift - why can’t you????)
6. Calling me by the wrong name at an intimate moment - especially a name like “Bruce” or “Frank”.
7. Actually uttering the words “Pull my finger!” in my presence.
8. Halitosis.
9. Saying “Honey, we need to talk” when Notre Dame is fourth and two on the USC three yard line.
10. Listening to lots of fusion jazz and telling me in a supercilious tone why it’s more brilliant than King Crimson.
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