How can I try to write something funny when the news out-humours me every single day? Tonya Harding’s joined a hockey team...a men’s hockey team, albeit minor league - the Indianapolis Ice. If only Donald Brashear would get sent back to the minors - that’s a fight I’d pay top dollar to see.
OJ’s been busted for stealing satellite TV. I don’t think he did it; I think some drug dealer set him up. Don’t laugh, there might be a drug dealer in Miami. It’s possible.
Best of all, a Porterdale woman bought $1,600 of stuff at the Covington Wal-Mart, tried to pay for it (and get change) with a $1 million bill. She claimed her husband had given her the money so she had no idea it was fake. How dumb do you have to be???? I can’t decide which is more pathetic: if she was so dumb that she really didn’t know it was fake or if she knew it was phony but was so dumb she really thought she could get away with it. And honestly - living in Porterdale and shopping at the Covington Wal-Mart puts such a series of exclamation points on the whole thing. You out-of-towners don’t understand, but I’ll try to put this in perspective. Imagine a totally hick, small Southern town, the most David Lynch version of suburbia you can think of and triple it. Okay, that’s Conyers, where I live, and we make fun of Covington because it’s even worse, and people in Covington make fun of Porterdale, which is all that to the nth degree plus being a mill village where only poor skanky people live. A million dollar bill. Yeah.
Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly dislike living in a hick redneck town. There are many tangible benefits. For one thing, mid-range decent wines such as Kendall-Jackson and Louis Jadot are always very cheap at the grocery store ($9.99 - $12.99). Economically, it works because the Budweiser is marked up to like $16.00 a twelve-pack, and you don’t even want to know how much they charge for Wild Vines and Boone’s Farm. Good movies are always in at Blockbuster, even on a Friday night. You can’t get anything with explosions and nudity, but if you want something with a plot and interesting dialogue, it’s there. The sushi restaurant is never crowded (good ole boys don’t eat bait). If you want to go somewhere else to eat but don’t want to wait for a table, just coordinate your evening out with a night Nascar race or the opening of deer season. (I'm not kidding.) If your car breaks down or you run into a ditch, it’s no problem - getting to the garage won’t cost you anything, because every truck that passes by has a trailer hitch, every other truck that passes by has a trailer hitch plus four-wheel drive and every third truck that passes by will have approximately 160 pounds of heavy-duty chain in the pickup bed. I don’t know why, that’s just how it is. Best of all, I never have to put up with some dude harassing me, like an ex-boyfriend or something. In that situation, you just call out to the nearest group of rednecks, “Hey, y’all see that guy? He’s a gay communist and he was lookin’ at your huntin’ dawg funny!” Problem solved.
OJ’s been busted for stealing satellite TV. I don’t think he did it; I think some drug dealer set him up. Don’t laugh, there might be a drug dealer in Miami. It’s possible.
Best of all, a Porterdale woman bought $1,600 of stuff at the Covington Wal-Mart, tried to pay for it (and get change) with a $1 million bill. She claimed her husband had given her the money so she had no idea it was fake. How dumb do you have to be???? I can’t decide which is more pathetic: if she was so dumb that she really didn’t know it was fake or if she knew it was phony but was so dumb she really thought she could get away with it. And honestly - living in Porterdale and shopping at the Covington Wal-Mart puts such a series of exclamation points on the whole thing. You out-of-towners don’t understand, but I’ll try to put this in perspective. Imagine a totally hick, small Southern town, the most David Lynch version of suburbia you can think of and triple it. Okay, that’s Conyers, where I live, and we make fun of Covington because it’s even worse, and people in Covington make fun of Porterdale, which is all that to the nth degree plus being a mill village where only poor skanky people live. A million dollar bill. Yeah.
Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly dislike living in a hick redneck town. There are many tangible benefits. For one thing, mid-range decent wines such as Kendall-Jackson and Louis Jadot are always very cheap at the grocery store ($9.99 - $12.99). Economically, it works because the Budweiser is marked up to like $16.00 a twelve-pack, and you don’t even want to know how much they charge for Wild Vines and Boone’s Farm. Good movies are always in at Blockbuster, even on a Friday night. You can’t get anything with explosions and nudity, but if you want something with a plot and interesting dialogue, it’s there. The sushi restaurant is never crowded (good ole boys don’t eat bait). If you want to go somewhere else to eat but don’t want to wait for a table, just coordinate your evening out with a night Nascar race or the opening of deer season. (I'm not kidding.) If your car breaks down or you run into a ditch, it’s no problem - getting to the garage won’t cost you anything, because every truck that passes by has a trailer hitch, every other truck that passes by has a trailer hitch plus four-wheel drive and every third truck that passes by will have approximately 160 pounds of heavy-duty chain in the pickup bed. I don’t know why, that’s just how it is. Best of all, I never have to put up with some dude harassing me, like an ex-boyfriend or something. In that situation, you just call out to the nearest group of rednecks, “Hey, y’all see that guy? He’s a gay communist and he was lookin’ at your huntin’ dawg funny!” Problem solved.
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