If you checked out our vacation photos, you may have noticed that the lakehouse we rented was decorated with quite a lot of taxidermied wildlife. To be honest, I found this kind of creepy even though I could see that they were going for the "rustic hunting lodge" look. But when I was looking at the mounted deer head, I had an idea! I decided that what we really needed instead of the tired, ordinary deer head was a mounted deer butt, and the hind feet. We'd hang them at precisely the height and distance apart to make it appear that the deer has leapt into the wall.

I had a plan to obtain my deer butt. Our yard guy, Tim, goes hunting all. the. time. He shoots the occasional one for meat but he hasn't shot for a trophy in a few years; he told us he has a minimum - I forget what it is exactly - but he's only shooting one if he sees a buck with an extraordinarily impressive rack of antlers. I figured I'd ask him if, when he bagged his trophy buck, I could have the parts that he didn't need. He came yesterday to cut our grass so I went to talk to him about my idea, describing what I wanted to do.

"Ohhh!" he said. "You want a ass-mount!"

I kept a straight face but oh my gods and deities, can you believe there's an actual term in Redneck for what I was describing? I thought I was being funny but it's ordinary enough that they have a word for it! My flabber was ghasted.

A ass-mount. Indeed.