I haven't posted in several days because I couldn't bear to have my beautiful photo of the buttroom relegated to the bottom of the screen and, eventually, off the front page entirely. Now, of course, I've forgotten all the things about which I wanted to write.

So, a movie review! Last night there wasn't any hockey on (boo hiss! but playoffs resume tonight) so instead of hockey itself, I watched a hockey movie called Youngblood. It came out in 1986 but I missed it that time around. Youngblood stars Rob Lowe (or as we call him in the A-T-L, "that pervy sex-tape guy"), Dirty Dancin' Guy, Bill&Ted's Excellent Adventure Guy and The Guy Who Beat Up Ariel In Footloose so it's a veritable hockey hunkfest! With a bad 80's soundtrack and feathered hair! Who could ask for anything more?!?

This movie was FABULOUS. Just when you're thinking they could not possibly cram ONE. MORE. CLICHE. into this flick, whooomp there it is!

Here is my plot synopsis of Youngblood, as told by my 1986 self: like omigawd, I saw this totally tubular movie last night, right? It was about Rob Lowe and his dad wanted him to be this manure farmer, right, but he was all, no I'm gonna be a hockey player and his older brother was all like 'you're too little you'll never make it' and Rob Lowe was all like 'will so WATCH me' and then Rob Lowe goes to play hockey for the Mustangs, right? And so Patrick Swayze is all like 'who's that little squirt' but Rob Lowe is TOTALLY a great hockey player, right, so the coach picks Rob Lowe over this huge guy who's like a TOTAL bully and the bully trips Rob Lowe and punches him and stuff, but Rob Lowe doesn't care because he made the team, right? So then Patrick Swayze is all like, 'okay, let's shave his pubes' and Keanu Reeves is like 'yeah, awesome' and the coach has a daughter, who isn't supposed to date the guys on the team and she is all like 'I don't follow hockey anyway' but she is totally hawt for Rob Lowe and she was wearing this AWESOME outfit, like two shirts on top of one another with the collars turned up? and she had this great hair but OMIGAWD, those eyebrows, I was all like 'it's called ELECTROLYSIS, honey, look into it' but anyway so the Mustangs are in the playoffs and that bully guy puts a WAY TOTAL CHEAP hit on Patrick Swayze and he has to go to the hospital and he's, I dunno, like in a coma or something, and there's this TOTALLY dramatic moment when Rob Lowe sees Patrick Swayze's blood all on his hand omigawd I was SO crying it was so SWEET but then Rob Lowe is all like, eff this my best friend got concussed like he was Eric Lindros or something so to hell with hockey I'm gonna go back home and farm manure. And his brother, you know that cute guy who was in Footloose who smacked Ariel around? Omigawd, I would never let some guy treat me that way, I'd totally tell him 'back off you jerkface, my dad is a Green Beret and he can like kill you with a drinking straw', well so anyway Rob Lowe is back on the manure farm and his brother is all like 'you pussy' and then his dad, who didn't want Rob Lowe to go away and play hockey in the first place, is all like 'yeah you pussy' and Rob Lowe is like 'you two need to lay off I'm doing what you wanted' and they were all like 'no we are guys so we couldn't say we loved you but we TOTALLY want you to follow your dreams and be happy and stuff' so then they teach Rob Lowe how to fight because they all decide there's like FER SHURE NO WAY he can be a great hockey player if all he has is speed and skill, he's got to learn to kick some ass.

[My 2006 self must here insert herself to say I laughed until Diet Coke was coming out of my nose over the next sequence, which featured Rob Lowe working out, punching bags, doing push-ups and chin-ups and learning to fight, because thanks to Trey Parker, I was singing the entire time: we're gonna need a montage (montage), oh it takes a montage (montage), sure a lot of things happening at once, and with every shot you show a little improvement, that's called a montage (montage), even Rocky had a montage (montage) etc.]

Oh, gross me out, gag me with a spoon, that CAN'T be the adult I'm going to turn into, she's so...she's so...I mean look at those clothes, omigawd, does she shop at Ann Taylor or WHAT? Thank gawd for Merry-Go-Round...well so anyway Rob Lowe goes back THE NIGHT of the Big Game and the coach is all like 'what makes you think I'm gonna let you back on the team' and Rob Lowe is all like 'cause you wanna win and I'm good and I'll give you the steely-eyed glare so you understand I'm now a TOTAL bad-ass' and the coach is all undecided but then suddenly this disembodied voice calls out 'let him in, coach' and you'll never believe this but it is PATRICK SWAYZE and he is all out of his coma and on crutches and he has this big bandage on his head and he hugs Rob Lowe and he is all like 'forget that asshole just win the game' and Rob Lowe sort of agrees but you can TOTALLY tell his heart's not in it.

So then it's the BIG GAME and you will NEVER GUESS what happens. The bully is now like the total star player for the OPPOSING TEAM and Rob Lowe scores a goal and the bully is all tripping him and effing with him the whole time, and the bully punches him so hard it knocks out one of his teeth, omigawd it was SO INTENSE, and then finally the referee calls a penalty so Rob Lowe gets a penalty shot and he TOTALLY makes it and he has WON the game for the Mustangs, but then the coach is all like 'okay Rob Lowe you go sit on the bench' because he knows Rob Lowe will try to settle the score for his tooth AND Patrick Swayze but Rob Lowe is all like 'I'm SOOOO not coming out of this game I don't care what you say' and with complete and utter disregard for hockey rules and regs both present and future [ahem!] er well anyway there is the final faceoff and Rob Lowe wins it and his team wins THE BIG GAME and then after the game is all over Rob Lowe goes up to the bully and he's like 'okay let's do this' and
they fight and Rob Lowe TOTALLY kicks his ass and then the coach's daughter forgives him for being a hockey player and violent and stuff after she sees him signing autographs for little kids and OMIGAWD it was the most AWESOME movie EVER.

And OMIGAWD I totally didn't even tell you anything about the soundtrack, it was so awesome, I mean it had Mr. Mister AND Autograph AND Starship, it is like so BITCHIN', I'm totally going to Coconuts first thing Saturday to buy it, but they have SOOO got to have it on cassette, can you believe my parents' new Ford Taurus doesn't EVEN have an 8-track?!?