I'm not sure exactly what to write about my wedding. I know it should be all “happy happy joy joy” but that’s not how I felt about it. Of course I’m thrilled to be Mrs. Alan - I've already changed my name, see on the right there? - but mostly I’m just glad it’s over. It seems a bit surreal to have something that consumed so much of our free time in terms of planning, meetings, conversations, etc. completely over; I can't get used to the fact that I have a husband and I'm someone's wife. Don't misunderstand: I love him and I'm happy, it's just that that kind of thing seems better left to the grown-ups.

The Good: for one thing, I was honestly touched that people came from so far away (Alabama, Florida, Washington, D.C., and of course Edmonton, Alberta) for our wedding. Many people who didn’t have to travel as far nonetheless voluntarily battled the vagaries and frustrations of Atlanta traffic, and that’s quite a tribute.

The people I’ve talked to after the fact have all said they had a good time, enjoyed the food and music, etc. but then, they’d hardly say it was terrible, even if they thought so. The food I ate was excellent and again, shout-out to Creolaise Catering - owners Terry & Raymond are two of the nicest, most amenable people I’ve ever encountered. The flowers were gorgeous and not overwhelming, so I got through the day without an allergy attack.

People have overwhelmed me with their generosity. Of course, it’s not about getting presents or the amount of money that’s spent, but I can’t help but be moved by the time, thoughtfulness and, yes, crass though it may seem, money and gifts that people have bestowed upon us.

Lachele, Jaime and Ashley win best present award (at least, among those entries received thus far) for constructing a working miniature trebouchet. If you’re ever in doubt, let me tell you, a medieval siege weapon is a FABULOUS gift. The pets love it, too, now that I’ve taken to filling the sling with a variety of pet treats and letting them fly about the house. Moreover, it’s like my brother said: you have to admire the intellect of the person who was casting about, thinking “wedding gift, wedding gift, wedding gift” and concluded, “Yeah! Miniature scale-model projectile weapon!” It’s a beautiful thing.

The Bad: I was quite dissatisfied with our wedding cake. The one vendor that was never in question, that I intended to use from the moment we got engaged, that’s been in the business for about seventy years, thoroughly disappointed me. We ordered a cake with fondant pearls - it had none, so (a) we didn’t get what we ordered and (b) the pearls on the guest book and pen stand just looked like a random choice instead of matching (matching is a Very Big Thing with me); the frosting ‘loops’ that decorated the cake were nowhere near as plentiful or as large as on the picture I was shown; the layers were much smaller than I expected - of course, we were told the size of each circle but, again from the picture we were shown, I thought the layers would be much taller. If I’d known, I’d have ordered another layer so the cake would have been an appropriate height. It tasted good, as did the groom’s cake, and I know, in the overall scheme of things, it’s hardly a life-threatening problem but it vexes me to think I paid for something that I didn’t get (or was misled).

Jaime handled our processional music, which went great (thanks, Jaime!) but during the reception the guy who runs the venue commandeered the stereo equipment and every time there was an announcement, he stopped the music - so the same songs at the beginning of disk one played three times and we never got to all the songs on disk three. Tell me, is it that difficult to hit the frickin’ PAUSE button? Grrr. Sure, not life-altering but it was a bit of a letdown as we’d spent such a long time choosing songs and arranging them into a well-flowing mix.

The event as a whole was very difficult for me. I don’t like being the center of attention; I find it hard to make small talk. I am unattractive (not pretty AND fat) but most of the time, I’m not particularly troubled by this. I’m not hung-up on outward appearances and on a day-to-day basis, my looks bother me about as much as my beet allergy or my extreme suckitude at Euclidian geometry - it’s something that *is*, not some looming spectre that detracts from my enjoyment of life. But I do dislike people staring at me and I’m uncomfortable having my picture taken, so with a hundred people doing one and a couple dozen doing the other, Sunday was rather an ordeal.

The Funny: while I was putting on makeup in the Bride’s Room, I put a different shade of lipstick on each half of my upper lip and asked my friends which one was better. Everyone said they needed to see me in natural light to decide, so I moved over to this settee under a window. The verdict was then “Not enough natural light!” so my friend Christine lifted the drapery aside with her hand - very gently, she didn’t yank it or anything - and the curtain rods and drapery came crashing down onto my head! It didn’t hurt at all, but I was tangled in curtains. Girlfriends rushed to untangle me and try to rehang the drapes.

Our first date was the old standard, dinner and a movie, and the movie was Shrek 2. While on her Disney cruise in April, Cheryl bought us headbands with Shrek ears attached - well, mine has a gold crown, too, so are more properly Princess Fiona ears. While we were cutting the cake, we put on our ears and had a few pictures taken. We also had Shrek and Fiona (she in a wedding dress) on top of the cake instead of the standard bride and groom figurines. We also took a standard “wedding party picture” only everyone’s doing The Shocker.

Special Offer: if you enjoyed the reception music, or didn’t get to attend but would like to dress up, dance around and pretend you were there, or just like good music, I’m pleased to inform you that your very own copy of “Helly and Alan’s Wedding Soundtrack” can be yours! You get all three discs of reception music, complete with jewel cases! What would you pay?!? But wait there’s more! Each limited-edition set comes personally hand-numbered and autographed by Helly herself! NOW what would you pay?!? But not so fast - I’ll even pay for shipping! NOW what would you pay?!? Well, actually it doesn’t matter what you pay. All you have to do is make a completely TAX-DEDUCTIBLE donation to Nuçi’s Space - you can even donate online via credit card. Any donation, large or small, gets you your very own “Helly and Alan’s Wedding Soundtrack”! Don’t delay! Donate now!
This offer is void where prohibited by law. May not be used in conjunction with any other discount or promotion. Not valid in Somaliland, Guinea-Bissau, Tarawa Island and portions of British Guyana.