I apologize in advance if you’re tired of reading about my wedding, but it wasn’t my idea. Lachele writes, “As soon as you feel like it, but as soon as possible, would you mind posting just a little about the wedding?” - eh, how can I refuse our very own groomsbroad? (Thanks, Nita, for that nifty term.) Plus, we’ve fielded a number of questions lately - so here is some info. I also apologize if I criticize something you did at your wedding; please don't be offended. If you did yours your way, and were happy with it, that's fine with me. Much of this is just my opinion on my wedding.

Formality: it’s a pretty formal affair. My dress is extremely formal, many guys will be in tuxes rather than suits, Mom’s dress is floor-length, invitations are engraved, not printed, that kind of thing. When asked, I’m telling guests “cocktail attire” rather than “black tie”, although that stems less from my desire to dictate their wardrobe than my suspicion, hatched during a shopping expedition for a dress to wear to my salesweasel’s wedding, that almost no one accurately comprehends the meaning of “black tie” - at least in the retail sector. However, that brings me to –

Attire: the wedding party will be dressed quite formally. Are you the sort of person who enjoys dressing up and wearing something other than your “everyday” threads? The sort of person who likes to fit in with the crowd? Then wear a tux, a 3-piece suit or a cocktail dress. Would you rather be comfortable than blend in? Have you taken some vow that pantyhose shall never sully your thighs again? Then wear jeans and a hockey sweater. If I liked you enough to invite you, I care more about you being there and having fun than which designer you’re wearing.

Dancing: there is space for dancing and yes, there will be music (more on this later). If you want to dance, dance. If you don’t want to dance, don’t. If you dance and then get tired, stop. However, there isn’t going to be a rota or anything. I dislike this modern tradition (if that’s not an oxymoron) of special dances, which I think started out with a good idea and just took it way the freak too far. While I’m not opposed to the idea of the married couple’s first dance, that generally segues to the father/daughter dance, the mother/son dance, the members of the wedding party dance, the immediate family dance - now let’s get all the second cousins once removed out there on the floor! No. Just no. So, to reiterate, the rule is: dance as much or as little as you care to, starting and stopping whenever you feel so inclined. Grab Cheryl’s butt and conga, I don’t care.

Food: as might be surmised from the two o’clock start time, I’m feeding you neither lunch nor dinner. At some point I’ll post the menu but I don’t have it with me at the moment. It’s at home in the Great Big Book Of Doom, filed under “reception”. But it’s hors d’oeuvres: assorted cheeses with biscuits, fruits, raw vegetables with dips, stuffed mushrooms, meatballs, veggie spring rolls with sauces, shrimp canapes, things like that. Lots of things like that. There will be cake at some point.

Drink: there will be water, tea, coffee and an array of Coca-Cola products. There will be red wine, white wine, rose if anyone drinks it - anyone? anyone? anyone?, Guinness, Rolling Rock, Killian’s Irish Red, and the usual assortment of liquors. By “usual assortment” I mean bourbon, vodka, Scotch, rum, Bailey’s...I don’t know anyone who drinks gin, but if you do, I guess I’ll get some. If the only alcoholic thing you drink is something weird like boysenberry schnapps, you’ll probably want to pack a flask. I’ve been asked if it was a cash bar, which is apparently becoming more common, but the answer is a resounding “No!” Here in the genteel South, such a thing is Simply. Not. Done. You provide your guests with refreshment, and if you can’t afford to, you don’t ask them to pay their way; you adjust your guest list or your menu. It’s better manners to provide, at no charge, whatever you can afford (say, beer and wine only, or only soft drinks) than expect your guests to pay for the privilege of attending. At least in my social milieu it is, so that’s what’s being done. So if you’re coming, you don’t need to bring lots of cash. Unless you need it for the conga (see Cheryl’s butt, above).

Music: no band, no DJ. Too many times, people can’t hear conversation over the loud band and I want this to be a very social, friendly, mixing sort of occasion. Too many times DJs play requests from the crowd even when the request conflicts with the couple’s desires. You tell them, “Whatever you do, don’t play XYZ” or “No chicken dance under any circumstances” and suddenly, exactly that is going on. I’ve read many horror stories on Etiquette Hell about this very thing. So, Alan and I are compiling a list of songs that fit one or more of the following categories: (a) we like the song; (b) we like the band; (c) the song means something to us for some reason; (d) it’s a nice, all-purpose, non-annoying song; (e) it’s not a “used to love her but I had to kill her” song. They don’t have to be love songs, per se, just not...er, hate or betrayal or heartbreak songs, because those don’t fit the occasion. Once we have the list, Bo is going to help me put them in an order that flows well; I don’t want jarring transitions but I don’t want it to bog down with all the slow stuff together, either. When that’s arranged, I’m going to burn the sequence to some CDs, stick that in the 6-disk changer at the venue and let it go.

Bouquet toss: while I’m not opposed to the bouquet toss, I’m not sure there will be any point in doing it. Off the top of my head, I think there are 3 single women attending and with at least two of them, I can imagine the bouquet would hit them full in the face and blind them before they’d lift a finger to catch it - assuming they didn’t run away screaming.

Garter toss: NO. Unless Alan cares to buy a garter, take it out of its box and toss it. I don’t have an issue with the garter toss itself, but the part where the guy grubs around on the floor, sticks his head up the girl’s skirt, roots around, exposes her nether regions to all and sundry...my apologies if you did it, but in my mind, distasteful.

Registering: while we will probably register, and the lucky stores will likely include Linens N’Things, Macy’s and Williams-Sonoma, we haven’t done so yet. Loot wasn’t the first and most important thing on our minds. We’ll get round to it eventually.

Something old, something new, etc.: Yes, I’m adhering to tradition on this one. The something new is my wedding dress, the something old is my wedding shoes - yes, I’m really wearing my white Doc Martens; there will be photographic proof. Right now the plan is for my something borrowed and something blue to be Cheryl’s mom’s London blue topaz ring. She’s sent it via Cheryl for me to try. I hope it fits; I’d truly like it if my something borrowed was borrowed from Cheryl’s mom. It does go on, you know: “and a shiny [some sources have it “lucky”] sixpence in her shoe”. To that end if any of you can help me, I’d appreciate it. I’ll pay you back in American dollars for an actual sixpence.

Did I cover whatever you wanted to know? Did I leave something out? Want to know more? Leave me a comment on what you’d like to know, and I will endeavor to oblige.