Do any of you, my faithful readers, know what ‘hors d’oeuvres’ means? If so, will you please tell me? Because I thought it meant appetizers, little tasty nibbles of things, snackage at its best, but apparently I’ve been misinformed.

I’m trying to find a caterer for our wedding reception - which I found a great one, but there are some unrelated complications there and anyway this is a food rant, not a wedding rant. What I wanted, instead of a buffet where all the stuff is cold, unrecognizable and not that great, or a sit-down dinner of mediocre prime rib and limp asparagus where everyone sits with/talks with only the person they came with, was to have a couple of tables laden with hors d’oeuvres so that the guests would nibble, talk, drink, circulate and generally, just engender a more social atmosphere. I envisioned a big platter of assorted cheeses, fruit, crudite, salmon canapes on cucumber medallions, stuffed mushroom caps, shrimp, other toothsome tidbits - hors d’oeuvres, not entrees with vegetables on the side. Like Inigo Montoya, I keep using that word. I do not think it means what I thought it means.

For example, this one Very Preferred Caterer of many historic places in Atlanta has the following as various menu selections under “Heavy Hors D’oeuvres”: Southern Style Grits Martini bar. What a martini has to do with hominy gloop, I couldn’t begin to guess except I think *shudder* they serve them in martini glasses. Boneless breast of chicken coated in a pecan basil crust served in an avocado-cilantro cream sauce - now, I grant you that sounds hella good, but it sounds like an entree, not a snack. If you’re not into the chicken, also on that menu is the pork loin in lager/molasses marinade. Forget for the moment that it sounds nasty as cauliflower to me, does it sound like a snack or an entree? Guess what goes with it? Italian Arborio rice and...collards. Collards, I tell you! The second-foulest excuse for a pseudo-vegetable known to man, and they want to serve it as an hors d’oeuvre?!? If you don’t like that, there is the braised pork “adagio” station with red smashed potatoes or the whiskey flavored shrimp plus southwestern potato salad station.

All of that sounds like my idea of a dinner buffet with several possible entrees and their accompaniments, not hors d'oeuvres. Did someone change the meaning of that word while my back was turned? Really, am I missing something? When did 'hors d'oeuvres' stop meaning delectable little nibbles and start meaning weird down-home-asian-fusion stuff like fried eggplant with chipotle dip (and cornbread points - ick!), chili mushroom salsa (which, at least, means the poblano/serrano kind of chili and not the beef/kidney bean/tomato thick stew type chili as I first feared), fried green tomatoes with crumbled feta cheese and red pepper aioli (no comment - utterly none), and fig-kalamata tapenade which I am not making up - when???