Helly and the Bok Choy Dishrag

These days everyone is so uber-sensitive, looking for ways to be offended when no offense was meant, that an apologia is probably in order prior to today’s post. *ahem* I have no ill feelings or prejudice against people from other countries, of other ethnicities, of other cultures. I harbor no feelings of superiority regarding my own cultural attributes. I am well aware that I would not be here had immigrants not come to the United States at some point. I bear no preconceived resentment of any kind against anyone of any flavor. Got that? Good. Now let us proceed to my phone call adventure with Mega-Accent Woman.

I get a phone call from a company with which we’ve done business for about three years, based in New Jersey. I wouldn’t know that much except for the magic of Caller ID. Punctuation is mine as I’m not sure if “floom” is a noun or an adjective.

Mega-Accent Woman: Gardeel! Esplenade widdershins flimmy my joss. Dishrag skew, elemental. Play beans.
Me: Excuse me?
M.A.W.: Radneesh bok choy dishrag. Joss floom, equate nidern mash glore. Baleem?
Me: I beg your pardon?
M.A.W.: *sigh* Bok choy dishrag, pregnant fig potion, allowable. Fragrant tarm. Snakes!
Me: I’m very sorry, ma’am but I’m having a difficult time understanding you.
M.A.W.: *heavy, exasperated sigh* Radneesh bok choy dishrag. Pylon? Blatted screw.
Me: Ma’am, I do apologize, but I still didn’t understand. Perhaps if you spoke more slowly?
M.A.W.: BOK--------CHOY--------DISHRAG. [getting progressively louder, a little more volume with each syllable] RADNEESH. BOK. CHOY. DISHRAG!
Me: I can tell you’re getting upset with me, ma’am, and I do apologize. It’s just that I’m having a very hard time understanding your question.
M.A.W.: Nar! Rample! Fig hammock, floom snip radneesh. Bok choy dishrag. Varient oracle flagpole mention. Quaffoo!
Me: Perhaps one of your co-workers could–
M.A.W.: NAR! Radneesh BOK CHOY DISHRAG! Bok choy dishrag pimple in flaming chew gone plus, BALEEM?!?
Me: [what can I say?] Um, I’m terribly sorry, ma’am–
M.A.W: Nar! Flower effle phantom peel darnlep! *slams phone down*

I’m afraid she thought I was making fun of her (which I wasn’t - not on the phone, not until now). I truly, honestly, non-mockingly, had no idea - none - what she wanted. I'm not even sure what sort of accent it was; as one of my dearest friends is Cuban, all I can say for sure is, not that. Ever since she hung up on me, I’ve been pacing the office muttering things that have to do with my job (“invoice”, “bill”, “cheque”, “report”, “contract”, “letter”, etc.) in a variety of exaggerated accents, trying to figure out what in the bloody hell a bok choy dishrag is, let alone a radneeshed one. No clue. It’s obvious that I have but one course of action open to me.

Have just updated resume and added “bok choy dishrag specialist”.