The Hellhole

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Our local news is abuzz with this bizarre story. A couple of days ago, a local guy went to Spalding County authorities and confessed to murdering someone almost thirty years ago. That’s the first idiotic thing - why confess NOW, after you’ve gotten away with it? I mean, unless you see yourself on Cold Case Files, keep your stupid mouth shut already. But wait there’s more! (My friends and I love that phrase.)

Authorities said he kept his story consistent and passed some sort of computer stress test indicating that he was being truthful. However, now that time, manpower and equipment have been wasted digging up the well where John Eugene Dumbass says he tossed the body, it turns out to be a total lie. He never killed anyone; he confessed to cops about a phony murder. Why? Because he (this is a real quote) “hoped he could get him some help, like a psychiatrist or something”. Dude. Here’s a suggestion: next time, try the Yellow Pages. Under “P”.

Of course, we can’t have anything newsworthy happen without making Georgia look like it’s full of illiterate, dangerously inbred rednecks, something I keep denying despite all evidence to the contrary. First off, of course the picture of those involved shows toothlessness. Next, John Eugene Dumbass chose to name his fictitious victim “Duck McLendon”. Duck - it’s kind of a standard, running joke around here that you know it’s a redneck family if there’s an uncle named after any type of animal, e.g., Uncle Possum, Uncle Snake, Uncle Skeeter (and here’s a valuable tip: never use the bathroom of anyone who has an “Uncle Goat” - trust me on this one). But wait there’s more! John Eugene Dumbass himself goes by the name of “Butterbean”. This is probably to avoid filial confusion, because John Eugene “Butterbean” Dumbass’s mother apparently had no imagination: his brother is quoted in the article. His brother JOHN.

Lest you think the imbecility is confined to this one redneck family, the AJC published a quote from Sgt. Todd Smith, the lead investigator: "We think he has a mental health problem." No! Really?!? You don’t say! If I ever decide to rob a bank, I’m sure not gonna do it in Spalding County. Sgt. Todd Smith might conclude that I’m a criminal or something! EEK!

For the record, none of my uncles have animal names - or legumes, for that matter. They are named Artis, Larry, Kenneth, Gary and Gerry. They all have teeth, too.



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