Henry David Thoreau wrote in Walden (in Chapter 18, in case you are wondering if I ever actually read the accursed thing) that if a man does not keep pace with his fellows, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Of course, Henry David Thoreau was wrong. This is not a tremendous surprise because he was wrong about a great many things, not the least of which being that it is fun and enjoyable and invigorating to live by a pond, urinate out-of-doors, dine on small furry creatures and go for months without bathing. Thoreau was also completely erroneous in his basic premise for that whole diatribe on civil disobedience; we who have more extensive experience in this sort of thing know that being disobedient is truly gratifying only when it is done rudely and arrogantly, not civilly.

His other mistakes do not concern me today, however. I assert that it is logically and empirically impossible for a man to hear a different drummer: we all hear the same drummer. We all hear the same timpani thunder and snare sizzles; moreover, we all hear the same cello swirls and tuba chuckles and flugelhorn fillips. This uniform musicality is possible (and moreover a logical, necessary absolute) because we are all attending the same opera.

[Sub-postulate A to this theory is that the opera in question is the one performed during the Marx Brothers film, "A Night at the Opera". History (of any person, any continent, any time period) proves Sub-postulate A, which more adequately addresses the anomalies of this universe than any religion or philosophy has done previously. To extrapolate, if one presumes that the opera of life was conceived, written, produced, orchestrated and adjudicated at the whim of a bunch of slapstick vaudevillians, that would certainly explain a lot, wouldn't it?]

To continue: we all hear the same drummer, because we are all attending the same opera. However, since no one speaks the language that the opera is written in (some of us understand, but none of us speak, that language) many people do not realize that they have been given the incorrect libretto. As Tom Robbins, from whom I have stolen the libretto concept for its incorporation here, wrote, the Bible, the Koran and the Talmud are incorrect (and laughably inadequate) librettos. Although he does not so specify, I surmise that this encompasses many other pseudo-librettos as well. Therefore, I hereby declare that the Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana, the Bhagvad-Gita, the principles of Euclidean geometry, Newton's laws of physics and precepts of Copernican astronomy are also incorrect librettos.

It so happens that a small minority in the audience is astute enough to realize that we have been given the incorrect librettos, and only a very few of those have found the right one. Today I am testing the hypothesis that the correct libretto is “Zip-a-dee Doo-Dah”.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

Mister Bluebird on my shoulder
It's the truth, it's actual
Ev'rything is satisfactual
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day!