STUPIDITY OUGHT TO BE PAINFUL, Part One.

Well, actually, it was quite painful for me, but what I mean is, stupidity should be painful for the stupid. Like John Wayne said, "Life is tough. Life is tougher if you're stupid."

This morning's adventure began when I had to order some flowers because a business associate’s parent died. We have a long-standing account with this certain florist so it’s simple, right? WRONG. You know how when you're on the phone with order-takers, customer service reps and the like, you can hear them clickety-clicketing on their keyboards in the background? I could hear this guy’s hunt-and-peck clicks and estimate his skill at approximately two words per minute. You probably think this is an exaggeration, but my phone has one of those time/date displays with a call timer and it took me TWENTY-SIX MINUTES (not on-hold minutes, actual minutes) to place this order.

Most of the conversation was appallingly similar to these snippets. Bear in mind I am only reproducing a VERY SMALL part of the conversation. One ellipse = approx. 4 seconds and yes, I do know that an ellipse is three periods. Extra periods = extra time. Sigh. The call begins with me spending quite an amount of time and effort convincing Derek the Dumbass that I have an account, I need to place an order to be wired and it's for a funeral. Now the real fun starts:

Me: Mr. *Deceased* is at the Saulters-Moore Funeral Home. That's S-A-U-L-T-E-R-S ---
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Saulters-Moore Funeral Home? Okay, and what's that street address?
Me: 2714 Columbia Avenue, Pren--
Derek the Dumbass, to himself: Ess.....ay....ell..........tee.......
Me: No, there's a 'U'. S-A-U-L-T--
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Right, Saulters and Moore.
Me: No, it's hyphenated, Saulters-Moore.
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Yep! On Columbia Drive!
Me: No, Columbia Avenue, which is in Prentiss, Mississippi. Remember I told you it'd have to be wired?
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Oh, yeah. P-R-E-N-T-I-C-E?
Me: No, it's T-I-S-S.
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Okay, and what's that zip?
Derek the Dumbass, to himself: Two............seven............one............ four............see........oh....ell...
Me: 39474.
Derek the Dumbass, to me, accusingly: I thought you said two something.
Me: I did, back when you asked me for the street address. I thought you just said you wanted the zip code.
Derek the Dumbass, to me: I do!
Me: Well, are you ready now?
Derek the Dumbass, to me, impatiently: YES.
Me: 39474.
Derek the Dumbass, to himself: ay................vee.....in..........

[let's skip the next eight minutes or so and cut to the card message, shall we?]

Me: "In deepest sympathy for your loss".
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Deepest sympathy. Yep!
Derek the Dumbass, to himself: Eye..........in..................dee..........
Me: That's all for the message and then I'll give you the names that go on the card. [waiting for clicking to stop]
Derek the Dumbass, to me: And then you said that's our message, or....names...or what? What's the rest of it?
Derek the Dumbass, to himself: tee..........ach........wy....
Me: NO! That doesn't go on the card; I was speaking to you. The card should just say "In deepest sympathy for your loss" and then our names.
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Okay! I'm ready! [I doubt this very much but I forge on.]
Me: My name is Helly, which is spelled H-E-L-L-Y...[pause as I hear furious flurry of clickety clickety clickety], Sandy which is S-A-N-D-Y....
Derek the Dumbass, to me: ess.....ay.....in.....what, now?
Me: S-A-N-D-Y [pause] Leigh, which is L-E-I-G-H --
Derek the Dumbass, to me: Ell.....eee.....what was that first thing you said again?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Oh, well, I expected problems with "Helly". Nobody understands my name but Scottish people (and a hearty Up-Helly-Aa to you all). But Sandy wants his kids' names on the card, so next I have to say "Aubrey" eight times total and spell it probably ten (I wish I were kidding). Each and every time Derek the Dumbass reads it back to me he says "Ay, you, arr, bee, eee, wye." Finally I say, pretty snippily, "Her name is NOT Aurbey! It's AUBREY. AUBREY! A! U! B! R! E! Y!" and he says "Oh! [in a tone of great and wondrous realization] Okay, I got it now!" and then I hear sotto voce
(all of you know what's coming, right?)

ay.........you.........arr........bee...........

After we get through the very last name (and yes, sadly there were as many problems with "Annie" as we had with "Helly"), I ask him to read the entire card to me - which pisses him off mightily, apparently - but finally he says, "In deepest sympathy for your loss, Kelly, Sandy, Lay [I'm not saying that's how he typed it but that's how he pronounced it] Audrey and Andy Annie."

Sigh. I suspect that, should these flowers ever actually arrive anywhere, the card will read:

"indeepestsympathyforyourlosskellysandyleighaurbeyandandie" because never once did I hear him mutter 'space'.