The Hellhole

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Back when we visited his family at Christmas, Alan's mom wasn't sure the family would be able to come up for his birthday party so she gave me a gift from her (them) to give him at the party:  her grandfather's, so Alan's great-grandfather's, gold stick-pin with a diamond at the tip.  I hid it in my purse and lied to Alan about what we'd been discussing, and once home I hid the stick-pin in one of the drawers in my jewelry armoire.

Then one evening when he was at class, I retrieved the diamond stick-pin, found a box, got out my wrapping paper and supplies, and crafted a lovely box with a fancy bow.  Then, I hid it.  I don't know why, or what twisted ganglia of my warped brain dictated that I must hide the wrapped gift - it's not like he was going to go scouting the house like a 9-year-old searching for Santa's stash; even if he'd seen the wrapped present it's not like he'd have instantly known, "Oh! It's my great-grandfather's diamond stick-pin!" - all that would have happened is that he'd have left it alone until his party, but for whatever reason I thought it needed to be hidden.  So I hid it.

A couple of weeks later, Party Day dawned.  Alan left earlier than I because even though the party didn't start until 5, the bakery where I bought the cake closed at noon.  He and Matt were going to get the cake because I ordered rather a huge cake - it was definitely a two-person job, not a "sit it in the floor of the back and go", and we both have manual transmissions.  We thought the cake would fare better if we picked it up in car with an automatic transmission.  So he left, I was supposed to be getting stuff together, locating supplies and loading my car, which I was, but the most important thing as far as I was concerned was for me to pack the gift box containing the diamond stick-pin.

Except I couldn't find it.

It wasn't anywhere in my jewelry armoire.  Why, OH WHY, hadn't I put it back there?!?  I looked in the three or four most normal (out of the ordinary, but not totally obscure) places I'd usually hide something, and - NOTHING.  I started tearing the house apart, neglecting the party things I was supposed to be doing like loading food from the fridge into my car, collecting tablecloths and personalized napkins and decorations, and assembling plastic wine glasses, instead progressively losing more and more of my shit because I HAD LOST ALAN'S GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S DIAMOND STICK PIN AND I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE THE STATE AND CHANGE MY NAME AND NEVER SEE ALAN AGAIN BECAUSE I COULD NEVER FACE HIS MOM EVER AND IT WAS TERRIBLE AND MY LIFE SUCKS AND I LOST HIS GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S STICK-PIN AND I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON!

Then at 10:34 AM I got a text from one of my BFFs, Anne.  "How goes things today?"  Me:  "Awful. I'll tell you later."  Anne: "Do you need help or anything?"  I told her what was going on, replete with LOTS OF CAPITALS and ex!cla!ma!tion! marks! and she totally talked me down off the ledge.  She calmed me down, told me to go do some other stuff, sit down and drink some water, etc. etc.  She was very calming.

Under Anne's instruction, I did a few things, I puttered about the house, I had a drink of water. Eventually my endeavors led me to my hall closet and Mah Bukkit, in which I keep scissors, ribbons, tape and wrapping accessories.  What else do you think was there???  The gift-wrapped diamond stick-pin!!!  Oh frabjous day!  Callooh!  Callay!  The jewelry of the great-grandfather had been located! I no longer needed to quit the state under an assumed name!

So then I got to the clubhouse with a loaded car and the requisite presents and my friends showed up early to help set up without even being asked, because I have the best friends EVAH! and we had a great party and it was fun!


  • These kind of posts are why I keep coming back for the next installment. Glad you found the pin

    By Blogger basil, at 1:38 PM  

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