The Hellhole

Sunday, February 14, 2010

On the way home from work during Friday's snowstorm, I stopped at this drug store that's on the way so I could get Alan a Valentine card, my plan of shopping on Saturday now being questionable because of weather. While there, I did a quick run up the one aisle of food, wondering if there was anything we needed if we got snowed in - not really given the limited selection, but I did see a jar of Planter's dry-roasted peanuts and thought, "Mmm, those are good and we haven't had any dry-roasted peanuts in forever," so I grabbed a jar. These were even better than the normal variety, being made with sea salt. When I got home, Alan said, "You must by psychic. I was just wishing for a salty snack!" and tipped a few peanuts into his palm.

The rest of Friday and most of Saturday, we kept snacking on peanuts. Neither of us seemed to be able to leave the jar alone, eating only three or four nuts at a time, but being unable to resist going back to the jar 10 minutes later for three more. That will often happen to me: I'll see some food we haven't had in a while and it will be soooo good, I'll have forgotten how good it is and wonder why we don't keep the item on hand all the time. When Saturday came and the snow/ice had melted enough that it was safe to drive, we decided to go ahead and make our usual Saturday grocery run as planned, but Alan had added a jar of dry-roasted peanuts to our list.

Thus I arrive at the point of my story - and I do have one. Lots of people were taking advantage of the break in the wintry weather and some things were picked over/sold out at Publix. When we got to the snack aisle, there was one - ONE - lone jar of dry-roasted peanuts on the very top shelf, all the way in the back. Neither of us could reach it. I could barely brush it with the tips of my nails but my attempt to grab it sent the jar a little further back. GAH! How could we give up and leave peanutless, after I'd so recently reawakened our appetite for peanutty goodness? Obviously, we couldn't - especially since I hate being thwarted, regardless of how important or trivial the thwarting.

Inspired, I grabbed a hard summer sausage that was almost two feet long. My plan was to nudge the jar forward with the sausage so that I could grab it. Of course this didn't happen; I pushed it further away. Undeterred, I went around to the other side of the aisle and started to leap up and poke objects on the top shelf with my sausage. Alan stayed on the other side to spot me. "No, you're way far from the peanuts!" he directed. "To the right! Further to the right! No, your right...your other, you're nowhere near..." Shoppers were watching us in amusement by this point.

I walked back to the snack side of the aisle and gave the jar another hooking attempt with my implement of spicy destruction. Now, the longer this went on unsuccessfully, the more resolute I became that I would not leave Publix without dry-roasted peanuts. I thought about standing on the bottom shelf but had to take a moment to weigh the deliciousness of peanuts against the way total bummer of being crushed by a falling shelf of snackage. I took another swipe with my sausage.

Alan offered me a leg up but I didn't want to stand on him, being even more loath to break my husband than to break Publix. Eventually, he gave me a shove skyward and in the few seconds I was airborne, I snagged the jar of peanuts with the very tips of my fingernails, spun it forward and was able to reach up and grab it. This man who'd been watching was laughing at me and said to Alan, "If she hadn't gotten it, I'd have gotten it for her!" Now, how he expected that he'd be able to do this, being not even a centimeter taller than I am, I do not know; however, I chose to take his observation jovially rather than call attention to his vertical shortcomings.

So, if you happened to be in a metro Atlanta Publix yesterday, and saw a redheaded girl in a Toronto St. Pats sweater maniacally weilding a sausage in an attempt to dislodge snack foods from the top shelf, that was me. You should always shop at Publix - come for the fresh foods at fair prices, stay for the floor show.


  • "I took another swipe with my sausage."

    That's what he said.

    By Anonymous Heather, at 11:49 PM  

  • This could be a winter Olympic event judged on: 1) Style, 2) Ingenuity, 3) Persistence.

    By Blogger basil, at 1:18 PM  

  • Haha. I think I would have been tempted to prop up my feet and break out the popcorn.

    By Blogger A Margarita, at 8:30 PM  

  • "That's what he said" - Hahahah - I'm watching The Office right now. I didn't witness this crazy sausage swiping, but oh, how I wish that I had!

    By Blogger Nancy, at 10:41 PM  

  • I think "implement of spicy destruction" is my new favorite phrase. Fucking priceless.


    By Anonymous Phil C., at 5:10 PM  

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