The Hellhole

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

After the latest in our series of misadventures, we debated staying home in hiding until the year passed but eventually decided that we'd rent a car and go to Augusta to see Alan's family as planned. He went online and reserved a "Jeep Liberty, Ford Escape or similar" because those are vehicles Alan is kinda sorta semi-considering buying. We figured we'd try to make the best of it and use the situation for a trial run. To confirm the rental, he had to submit his driver's license number, insurance info, lots of detail. Foolishly, we thought this would streamline the process and the day after Christmas, off we went to Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

Where it took them one hour and forty-four minutes to get around to making a copy of his driver's license and handing over the keys to the rental.

Which turned out to be not a "Jeep Liberty, Ford Escape or similar", but a total PIECE OF SHIT Kia minivan. I protested this to Enterprise Dude, pointing out that we'd reserved a Jeep Liberty or Ford Escape and he cut me off, saying, "Or similar!" I replied, "A Mazda Tribute is similar to a Ford Escape. This is a P.O.S. Kia minivan. Explain to me how this is similar, other than the fact that both have four wheels." I felt I showed remarkable restraint by saying "pee oh ess" instead of PIECE OF SHIT, which it was, and I wanted to tell them to forget it, no way, we'd take our chances in Alan's car, but my husband wanted to get out of there and head to Augusta so he took it. I still think he should complain. A small S.U.V. from either of two reputable car companies is NOT the same thing as a cheap-ass, piece of shit minivan. It's not similar, either.

And let me tell y'all - after riding in it back and forth to Augusta, and driving it some myself: it's even more of a flaming ball of feces than I thought it'd be. In fact, calling it a "flaming ball of feces" may be an insult to poo.

Monday at 8:36AM, my Uncle Artis called. He'd already been up to the dealership to discuss my car repairs in person - on the fast track to sainthood, that guy is - and he wanted to tell me that the part required wouldn't be in until Thursday at the earliest. Now I needed a way to commute today and tomorrow. Not having learned our lesson, we went back online to Enterprise and rented a car for me to use which was supposed to be a Pontiac G8 or similar. (You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.) We cleverly asked for my pickup time to be 5PM, same as Alan's turn-in time.

You know where this is going, don't you?

We got there at 4:35 to turn in the POS minivan, only to find that they don't have a car for me, they don't know when they'll have a car for me and they don't know what it'll be when they do get a car for me. They tell me it depends on who turns what in, rather negating the point of pre-selecting one's preferred vehicle online, and want us to come back around 5:45. We decided that we'd spent quite enough time enjoying the lovely atmosphere of Enterprise Rent-A-Car, canceled my reservation and extended Alan's rental for two more days, just adding me to his contract as an additional driver.

All of which explains why I came to work this morning driving a POS Kia minivan. We did pay for the optional Enterprise full insurance coverage, which is fortunate because even with the eyeholes, it's not that easy to see out of a paper bag.


  • I hate Enterprise. I also had a terrible experience with them, wherein I learned the cardinal rule of rental car companies: Check the car for scratches BEFORE you get in it.

    By Blogger A Margarita, at 10:40 PM  

  • The bag: Paper, not plastic, I hope :-).

    My experience with Enterprise has been OK. It helps that I live in an itty, bitty town. However, the guy I got my car from was totally humorless. He would not find the bag/eyehole comment amusing.

    By Blogger basil, at 4:46 AM  

  • As you recall, when I had to have a rental car last summer, it was also a Kia...which I really think should stand for Kill In Action...I really really HATED that car!


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:16 AM  

  • Not a happy story, but your telling of it made me laugh out loud!

    By Blogger Nancy, at 2:26 PM  

  • Helly,

    I think you should find a mask of your least favorite famous person, put the mask on, and tour all over town in your POS Kia.

    By Blogger basil, at 8:28 AM  

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