Inspired by John’s comment, I prank-called Sheila. She is a great victim because she is the most polite person ever and the utter epitome of professionalism, so no matter what kind of weird questions I ask her, no matter how unintelligible my accent, no matter how long I can keep going without laughing, she will maintain composed, businesslike courtesy to the Nth degree. If you’ve ever seen the character Ms. Swan on Mad TV, one of my favorite voices to do derives from that character; I do a semi-timid girly voice with a vaguely Asian accent. I got an idea because this morning, unusually for me, I was hungry for breakfast so I got a biscuit from Chick-Fil-A.

She: “Good morning [Our Company Name], may I help you?”

Me: “You have...you have de biscuit?”

“No, I’m sorry, I think you’ve reached our office in error. What number are you trying to reach?”

“De nombah for...um...it has de biscuit!”

“I’m sorry but we are not a food service company. What firm were you trying to reach?”

“De one where...dey do the thing...of de biscuit.”

“Do you know the name of the company you’re trying to reach?”

“Yesssss....”

“This is [Our Company Name]. What company are you calling?”

“The one where...of the place...with de biscuit...(mumble) stuff.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.”

“I need speak...someone else.”

“Are you trying to reach someone at [Our Company Name]?”

“Yes! I need speak...of them.”

“To whom did you wish to speak?”

“I dun know. But he...”

“Yes?”

“He look-a like a MAAAAAN!”

“[splutter!] You bonehead! I am going to hurt you!”

“You can TRY, you little 80-pound weakling!” (She really is tiny.)

“I got yo’ WEAKLING. I look-a like a maaaan!”

Heh. Got her again.