Last night I dreamt that I was at the grocery store, but an unfamiliar one as opposed to my neighborhood Publix. In this area between the produce and the seafood, there was a huge display of infants. It was fenced in with that loopy heavy wire you see at the garden store. I didn’t want an infant so I passed the display and continued my usual shopping, but the whole time I was buying food and sodas I was thinking how wrong that was, to have babies for sale right alongside the fruits and vegetables. Then I thought, well, maybe it’s okay. Pregnant women who don’t want to be mothers can drop them off right here at the grocery store, and then women who want children can pick out one they like, the store employees will take care of the infants in the meantime, it's all nice and convenient and everybody wins.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought this was a very bad idea. I worried that people might purchase babies for nefarious purposes, or get one, find out how much trouble they are and neglect it (like people do with puppies and kittens). Also, I didn't feel that the average grocery store employee could be trusted to take proper care of all the infants in the display. I had this image of an acne-spotted teenage bag boy who doesn't care if he bruises the bananas and just tosses them right in with canned goods being resentful that today he was on infant-pen-cleaning duty. I mean, I gave this a lot of thought as I did my shopping and after considering all aspects of the issue, I was foursquare against it. I was going to do something! Someone had to take a stand! No more infants sold at grocery stores in my America, by gods!

Of course, after waking this morning I am troubled most that I never found out how the infants were priced. Were they all the same (like it is for boxes of crackers) or since they were over with the produce, maybe it was by weight. Maybe the cute ones were more expensive. If I were managing that store, I’d charge more for the cute ones. I’m just sayin’.