Today's humour is courtesy of other people, because I am a lazy loser. From my friend W: HAPPY STAR WARS DAY! May the fourth be with you.

From my friend Phil, who was quoting Spider Robinson: I'll never understand people. Even being one doesn't seem to help.

From my brother and his wife, who drunk-dialed me last evening (which I quite enjoyed): "So we were walking around looking at all the booze and thinking of possible drinks you could make from each thing plus Guinness, and then Sarah notices the Manischewitz blackberry. We were trying to decide what to call it, Manischewitz blackberry and Guinness, and I thought I had it: a Black Jew. But then Sarah blew me away: it's a Rabbi O'Malley!" Now the plan is for all of us to go to bars and order a Rabbi O'Malley, and act surly when the bartender doesn't know what it is. Feel free to try that yourself. Of course, one should first pray to Bacchus that no bartenders chance upon my blog, learn of the Rabbi O'Malley, and actually serve us one of the darned things.

The weather in Atlanta is turning warm and I'm realizing the downside to my frenzied bout of hardcore closet-cleansing: I have about 7 summer outfits that are suitable to wear to work, and of those four are eerily similar, sets of black capri pants with beaded trim and matching tops, though a couple of the tops are different colours, not black. I wear jeans and t-shirts to work sometimes, especially if I'm doing something like rearranging files, but I can't count on that because I often have meetings or am Summoned by The Boss, and then I have to look all junior executive-y. There was no denying it. I had to purchase clothes.

As much as I love buying shoes, I hate buying clothes. I don't like the mall anyway, under ideal circumstances. I dislike crowds, I hate trying on stuff, I mess up my hair, I get overheated, then once I get the clothes on, outfits rarely look the way I thought they'd look when I saw them on the hanger. Also, I tend to hurry, wanting it over, and consequently don't notice imperfections like loose buttons or small tears in garments - then I get home with it, am aggravated but don't want to face the hassles of returning it. Worst of all is playing size roulette - what sizes in this manufacturer/this store/this style are likely to fit me? It's all the more aggravating because it's not like I can say I wear Size X, but depending on how things are cut I might have to go up to a Y or down to a W. It could be anything! Partly because different manufacturers size so differently, partly depending on the cut and partly because I am evidently weirdly shaped, there are clothes in my closet sized from 12 to 18, from M to XXL, all of which fit.

So I decided to try to order some stuff online. First I measured myself and attempted to use the particular catalogue's sizing chart, which is how I concluded that I am shaped weirdly. Hitherto, I thought that I had a perfect hourglass figure (it's just very, very late is all) but my three major measurements put me in three different sizes - and not like one is 14 and one is 16, no, three different sizes five sizes apart. My waist is fifteen inches smaller than the largest larger bit. FIFTEEN. But this didn't matter so much as one might think, because nearly every single outfit I clicked on to try to order was on backorder!

On one hand, this was good as apparently I had good taste - lots of women liked what I liked. On the other hand, I didn't want backorder, I wanted clothes. I know that I wouldn't be charged until the item shipped, but with my luck it'd be back-ordered until winter, or no matter how long it took I'd forget what I'd ordered and buy something almost exactly like it, or it would arrive in the middle of us moving - not that we know when that will be, but knowing my luck a package would get misdirected right in the middle of it and I'd have the devil's own time getting the charges corrected, the package tracked, etc.

I finally ordered a few things, guessing at sizes and assuming I'd have to return some of them. It took a while because I had to study each item and try to decide which measurement would be the most crucial, and going with the size directed by that one. It was almost as stressful as dealing with the mall. Almost. Alan's favorite was this dress and I liked this one (only I ordered it in aqua, not brown). On the positive side, my favorite Manolo Blahnik sandals have torn up (for the second time! after only seven years! the nerve!) and my favorite RocketDog ballet flats are self-destructing, so after the clothes arrive and I see what I'm keeping, I get to buy matching shoes! Fingers crossed that something I ordered will match these!