Farty Shoes

I do want to apologize for the content of this post. I stopped thinking farts were funny along about third grade, I despise listening to stand-up comedians who tell some long involved story and think doing a fart noise as a punch line means it's funny, I don't even want to talk about "pull my finger".

But I have these farty shoes.

I like the shoes: they're light blue denim with darker blue decorations so they match both my favorite pairs of jeans, they're Nine West so they're decent shoes and best of all, I bought them on sale. But they FART. Occasionally when I'm just walking, but always when I'm going up or down stairs (which I do every day at work, sometimes several times) they make these really loud fart noises. I am not talking a little 'pffft!' of air here, I am talking whoopie-cushion, sweaty-jock-hand-in-the-armpit giant brrrraapppaaaapppaap farts.

Not that I knew this the first time I went to the bank wearing these shoes. I have to go up and down 3 separate half-flights of stairs between my office and our bank. Imagine my surprise and humiliation the first time I put my foot on a stair tread and my shoe farted so loudly that people actually turned around and looked. I'm not kidding.

I have since discovered that if I go up or down stairs on my tiptoes, my shoes will keep their flatulence to themselves most of the time. Since I'm highly klutzy, and since vanity trumps safety every time (so it's not like I'm going to stop wearing these shoes), it is only a matter of time before I'm blogging from the hospital with at least one broken ankle. So I just wanted to explain all this to you guys, so you can back me up when I tell the paramedics that I fell down the stairs and broke bones because of farty shoes. Er, you will back me up, right? Right???