After the Blind Date From Hell, I was ticked off at my so-called friend Charles, not only on my own behalf, but it was a pretty mean thing to do to Paul, too.

Helly: I mean, what were you thinking?!? You had to know I wasn’t going to want to date him!
Charles: (giggles) Yeah, I know! He’s way too old for you, right?
Helly: Among other things. And now he won’t quit calling me!
Charles: (giggles) He’s in luuuuuv!
Helly: So now I’m going to have to be really mean to get rid of him - and you knew it would turn out like this!
Charles: (giggles) Yeah, I did!
Helly: Asshole. That was really mean!
Charles: Yeah, but it’s funny!

Once he realized I was actually mad, Charles spent a good deal of time and effort trying to make amends, which led to a funny story: one day Charles called and said he was at Hotel Nikko hanging out with Simon Kirke (of Bad Company) and he was inviting me over to have drinks with them - told me the code name under which Simon’s suite was registered and everything. I wasn’t yet home from work, so he left a message. When I didn’t call right back, he had Simon himself call. I figured it was total bullshit, Charles was getting some doofus to call using a fake British accent, so I didn’t call back. Charles had “Simon” call a couple more times so finally I picked up the phone and said yeah, I’d be there in a bit.

I never went because I thought this was more of Charles’s warped humour, and that he was probably sitting at The Point having a drink and laughing at the thought of me decked to the nines, wandering around Hotel Nikko asking for some non-existent fake name, much as he laughed at the thought of me having to go on a date with Paul. Charles contributed to my assumption because he was kinda snickering each time he called; also, he said something along the lines of ‘this ought to make up for the Paul thing’. But I was far too clever to fall for his little ruse! I knew Charles was full of it and trying to make a fool of me. The only problem with that logic was that Charles really was at Hotel Nikko with Simon Kirke, they really called me and really invited me over. This doesn’t qualify as a Date From Hell, because I wasn’t dating either of them and anyway I stood them up, but I like telling that story.

Charles continued to try to make amends, and as a result of his efforts I got in free, and often backstage, to any number of rock concerts. I remember INXS at the Masquerade in particular, and meeting GWAR one afternoon at Charles’s apartment. One of the guys from GWAR, I don’t remember which one, was watching “This Old House” on PBS and kept shushing the rest of us. None of that led to any Dates From Hell, either, but eventually - after about two years or so - my vigilance lessened enough that I experienced Blind Date From Hell The Second.

Charles fixed me up with Steven the Bass Player, local musician-about-town. I thought this one was going to be great! Unlike Paul, Steven was far closer to my age than my parents’, he had lovely long black hair, he had a cute little tush encased in tight Levi’s, Doc Martens with chains on them (swoon!) and most importantly, a BRAIN! Steven had read more than one book! He understood the underlying reasons why Monty Python’s “Philosophy Song” was funny. We liked a lot of the same bands, same movies and had a great time eating, chatting and hanging out (outside my own home this time, unlike Paul) - at Dupree’s, I believe. At the end of the evening (which ended at a reasonable hour that very evening, again unlike Paul) he walked me to my car and started the obligatory “I had a great time, I’ll call you” speech. Here is the part where it turns into a Blind Date From Hell:

Steven: I’d really love to do this again sometime - is it okay for me to call you?
Helly: Sure, that’d be cool.
Steven: I probably won’t call you right away, but I want you to know that I really, really like you and I want to see you again. I know guys always say that and then they never call, but I don’t want you to think that’s what’s going on with me, because I mean it that I like you and I want us to go out again. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.
Helly: [thinking what the hell] Mmm-hmm.
Steven: ‘Cause I had a fantastic time tonight and I’d like nothing better than to see you again but the thing is, even though I want to call you, I can’t call you, um, probably not for a while, because the thing is, tomorrow morning I have to report for rehab and it’s gonna be twelve weeks, and I would blow it off, that's how hard I'm fallin' here, but I can't 'cause it’s court-ordered rehab...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!