What a horrible adventure with that mortgage demon...
The Boss is buying a new house; they’re supposed to close tomorrow. A month and a half ago, I sent this huge package of documents to his chosen mortgage company. Apparently the loan minions have ONLY NOW bothered to look at that packet and determine that even though I sent them every single thing they asked for, they would like additional info - LOTS of additional info. Some of the requested documents I have, some I have to request from my counterpart in a different office in another city, some I have to request from our Grand Master CPA. Less than twenty-four hours before his closing, they realize the closing can’t happen without these items and start calling me. Maybe I’m an idealist, but could NO ONE have looked at the stuff I sent over a month ago, realized there were some issues and, I dunno, sent me a list of the additional items needed just a tad sooner? Some of the tax returns and associated forms they want date back to 2002, so obviously I have it right at my fingertips, particularly with our offices having moved three weeks ago. To perfect matters, let me mention that The Boss is incommunicado from noon onward, at a political event scheduled weeks ago.
Two explanatory notes: (1) I took punctuation liberties to accurately portray the first minion, who raised the inflection of his voice at the end of most sentences as if he were asking questions, even when he was making a statement. (2) I don't know that it's germane to the tale, but if it is or if you're curious, a K-1 is a statement from a company showing a partner's share of income, credits, deductions, etc.
“The Boss’s office, may I help you?”
“Hey, this is Dullard from XXX Mortgage? I’m working with Mr. Boss on his closing tomorrow? Can you fax us some information?”
“Yes, sure - what do you need?”
“Or...where are you located?”
“I’m in downtown Atlanta on Spring Street, the XXX Building.”
“Oh. If you don’t want to fax it, I could maybe...get a courier? Maybe a courier could come down there and get it...if you’re in Atlanta...instead of faxing? Depending on how much stuff it is?”
“Well, what is it that you need?”
“If it’s a lot of stuff you probably don’t want to fax it, so maybe I can send a courier for it? Or you could call a courier, if you didn’t want...if it’s too much to fax.”
“I can do either, depending on how much stuff we’re talking about. What IS IT that you need, exactly?”
“Um...some K-1s?”
“Which ones?”
“For Mr. Boss?” (Say it with me: fuckin’ DUH!)
“Mr. Boss owns, in whole or in part, nine different companies, some of which were started as long ago as 1994. Is there a particular company or year you’re looking for?”
“Uh...this year?”
“THIS year?”
“Yes. If you could.”
“Um, the returns for this year won’t be done until the year is over. Do you mean 2004?”
“Heh heh heh, right! Sorry, 2004.”
“You should have those already. They were included in a package we submitted over a month ago.”
“Well, we have some of ‘em? But not all of ‘em?”
“All right, which ones do you need?”
“Uh, I dunno. I’ll call you back.”
ACK! If he knows some are missing, how can he not know which ones? How does he know some are missing if he doesn't know which ones he should have?
[time passes]
“Hey, this is Dullard from XXX Mortgage? I’m working with Mr. Boss on his closing tomorrow? I called you about some K-1s?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Okay, here are the K-1s we need [starts listing all the boss’s companies]”
“For what year or years?” (I ask since I know that every single one of these for 2004 was in that package I already sent.)
“Uh...I don’t know. I’ll call you back.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Time passes and a different mortgage minion phones. She would like The Boss's K-1s for all nine companies, years 2002 and 2003. Evidently she found 2004 and realizes that I probably won’t have 2005 year-end done in time for the closing tomorrow. She gives me a list of additional random items she needs and starts to go without telling me anything useful, like the fax number, which normally I need if I'm to get the fax to the correct office, or her name, which - call me obsessive-compulsive - but normally I like to put on the fax cover sheet. I eventually worm this top-secret info out of her.
It doesn't end there, but I'll post my adventure in faxing later.
MONTOYA DELENDA EST!
The Boss is buying a new house; they’re supposed to close tomorrow. A month and a half ago, I sent this huge package of documents to his chosen mortgage company. Apparently the loan minions have ONLY NOW bothered to look at that packet and determine that even though I sent them every single thing they asked for, they would like additional info - LOTS of additional info. Some of the requested documents I have, some I have to request from my counterpart in a different office in another city, some I have to request from our Grand Master CPA. Less than twenty-four hours before his closing, they realize the closing can’t happen without these items and start calling me. Maybe I’m an idealist, but could NO ONE have looked at the stuff I sent over a month ago, realized there were some issues and, I dunno, sent me a list of the additional items needed just a tad sooner? Some of the tax returns and associated forms they want date back to 2002, so obviously I have it right at my fingertips, particularly with our offices having moved three weeks ago. To perfect matters, let me mention that The Boss is incommunicado from noon onward, at a political event scheduled weeks ago.
Two explanatory notes: (1) I took punctuation liberties to accurately portray the first minion, who raised the inflection of his voice at the end of most sentences as if he were asking questions, even when he was making a statement. (2) I don't know that it's germane to the tale, but if it is or if you're curious, a K-1 is a statement from a company showing a partner's share of income, credits, deductions, etc.
“The Boss’s office, may I help you?”
“Hey, this is Dullard from XXX Mortgage? I’m working with Mr. Boss on his closing tomorrow? Can you fax us some information?”
“Yes, sure - what do you need?”
“Or...where are you located?”
“I’m in downtown Atlanta on Spring Street, the XXX Building.”
“Oh. If you don’t want to fax it, I could maybe...get a courier? Maybe a courier could come down there and get it...if you’re in Atlanta...instead of faxing? Depending on how much stuff it is?”
“Well, what is it that you need?”
“If it’s a lot of stuff you probably don’t want to fax it, so maybe I can send a courier for it? Or you could call a courier, if you didn’t want...if it’s too much to fax.”
“I can do either, depending on how much stuff we’re talking about. What IS IT that you need, exactly?”
“Um...some K-1s?”
“Which ones?”
“For Mr. Boss?” (Say it with me: fuckin’ DUH!)
“Mr. Boss owns, in whole or in part, nine different companies, some of which were started as long ago as 1994. Is there a particular company or year you’re looking for?”
“Uh...this year?”
“THIS year?”
“Yes. If you could.”
“Um, the returns for this year won’t be done until the year is over. Do you mean 2004?”
“Heh heh heh, right! Sorry, 2004.”
“You should have those already. They were included in a package we submitted over a month ago.”
“Well, we have some of ‘em? But not all of ‘em?”
“All right, which ones do you need?”
“Uh, I dunno. I’ll call you back.”
ACK! If he knows some are missing, how can he not know which ones? How does he know some are missing if he doesn't know which ones he should have?
[time passes]
“Hey, this is Dullard from XXX Mortgage? I’m working with Mr. Boss on his closing tomorrow? I called you about some K-1s?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Okay, here are the K-1s we need [starts listing all the boss’s companies]”
“For what year or years?” (I ask since I know that every single one of these for 2004 was in that package I already sent.)
“Uh...I don’t know. I’ll call you back.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Time passes and a different mortgage minion phones. She would like The Boss's K-1s for all nine companies, years 2002 and 2003. Evidently she found 2004 and realizes that I probably won’t have 2005 year-end done in time for the closing tomorrow. She gives me a list of additional random items she needs and starts to go without telling me anything useful, like the fax number, which normally I need if I'm to get the fax to the correct office, or her name, which - call me obsessive-compulsive - but normally I like to put on the fax cover sheet. I eventually worm this top-secret info out of her.
It doesn't end there, but I'll post my adventure in faxing later.
MONTOYA DELENDA EST!
1 Comments:
You make fun of stupid people better than anybody I know. And I DO mean that as a compliment! That was another one that had me laughing out loud at my desk. Can't wait for the follow-up.
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Anonymous Me, at 11:02 AM
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