Wouldn’t you know it? Twenty million people posting opinions about movies on the internet, and I’m the one who gets caught at it.
To: helly007@aol.com
From: robtdowney@thepromises.com
Date: Wednesday, May 19, 2004 2:19 AM
Subject: Gothika blog
Bored and unable to sleep as usual, I googled my name and chanced upon your blog! Thank you for your kind words about my performance in Gothika. I rock, don’t I? But that’s not why I’m writing. Darling girl, I wanted to let you know that, yes, it was I that you saw in McDonald’s that day. I remember it, and you, as though it were only yesterday. Don’t believe me? This would have been what, early 1999? In Atlanta on a press junket for Bowfinger, I slipped away from the Westin to go across the street for a snack. I waited in line beside you for what seemed an eternity but was yet too short a time. I would be hard pressed to say what I noticed first, your lovely long red hair or your outfit. Rarely have I seen anyone pair a Walter Payton football jersey with a Dolce&Gabbana miniskirt so successfully. Well, except for Aidan Quinn and if I may speak frankly, you have better tits. Something about you spoke to me and I felt momentous vibes in the air. I asked fate for a sign. Pretending to wait at the counter for extra McSauce, I hovered to see what you would order. If you ordered a Filet O’Fish like me, I would know that I had found The One, a signal from destiny and I was going to ask you out. But then you gave your order. A cheeseburger and large fries!?! What the hell was that about, missy? How could you ignore the signs and refuse the call of the Filet O’Fish? YOU FAITHLESS BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET OUT OF HERE, I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY! YOU’LL BE SORRY! YOU’LL REGRET THE DAY YOU BLEW THIS BAD BOY OFF!
On the opposite coast, I was coldly ignoring Robert’s heartache and watching the hockey game (Calgary won, who cares) and as usual I took advantage of the intermission period to channel surf. Why is it that all the movies on the PMS channels are named either ‘shattered’ something or ‘betrayed’ something? - or sometimes ‘betrayal’ with a different adjective, as in “Deadly Betrayal”? I don’t care for this sort of film but the titles intrigue me; it makes me feel better about what I’m missing in the unlikely event that I get bored with ESPN, Nickelodeon and Comedy Central. Which brings me to my “PMS Channel Movie Title Generator” (choose one from each column).
The scripts are even easier because they’re all basically the same. The biggest challenge is picking a powerful yet trendy, go-get-em-girl sort of name for the heroine. “Erica” and “Alex(a)” are good for this purpose; “Tiffany” and “Kiki” are not. Okay, as for the story, there is a woman and she has this happily, blissfully perfect life, tra la la. Then there is a man who does something unutterably horribly vile to irrevocably destroy her perfect life and wound her so deeply that she will never recover, NEVER. Now, here is the important part: Erica has to suffer a lot but she suffers not because of circumstance, her own choices or just luck of the draw. No, she suffers because men are pond scum. Eventually, through much suffering, she realizes this and thus achieves EMPOWERMENT. Then a man arrives who is, in spite of the odds, not pond scum. Erica doesn’t trust him but he wins her over by fixing her gutters or moving some heavy furniture or something. Now she is even more happy in her blissful perfect new life than before, because she knows firsthand the alternatives. Tra la la.
Hmm...maybe I can placate Robert by offering to do a Lifetime Movie with him.
To: helly007@aol.com
From: robtdowney@thepromises.com
Date: Wednesday, May 19, 2004 2:19 AM
Subject: Gothika blog
Bored and unable to sleep as usual, I googled my name and chanced upon your blog! Thank you for your kind words about my performance in Gothika. I rock, don’t I? But that’s not why I’m writing. Darling girl, I wanted to let you know that, yes, it was I that you saw in McDonald’s that day. I remember it, and you, as though it were only yesterday. Don’t believe me? This would have been what, early 1999? In Atlanta on a press junket for Bowfinger, I slipped away from the Westin to go across the street for a snack. I waited in line beside you for what seemed an eternity but was yet too short a time. I would be hard pressed to say what I noticed first, your lovely long red hair or your outfit. Rarely have I seen anyone pair a Walter Payton football jersey with a Dolce&Gabbana miniskirt so successfully. Well, except for Aidan Quinn and if I may speak frankly, you have better tits. Something about you spoke to me and I felt momentous vibes in the air. I asked fate for a sign. Pretending to wait at the counter for extra McSauce, I hovered to see what you would order. If you ordered a Filet O’Fish like me, I would know that I had found The One, a signal from destiny and I was going to ask you out. But then you gave your order. A cheeseburger and large fries!?! What the hell was that about, missy? How could you ignore the signs and refuse the call of the Filet O’Fish? YOU FAITHLESS BITCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET OUT OF HERE, I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY! YOU’LL BE SORRY! YOU’LL REGRET THE DAY YOU BLEW THIS BAD BOY OFF!
On the opposite coast, I was coldly ignoring Robert’s heartache and watching the hockey game (Calgary won, who cares) and as usual I took advantage of the intermission period to channel surf. Why is it that all the movies on the PMS channels are named either ‘shattered’ something or ‘betrayed’ something? - or sometimes ‘betrayal’ with a different adjective, as in “Deadly Betrayal”? I don’t care for this sort of film but the titles intrigue me; it makes me feel better about what I’m missing in the unlikely event that I get bored with ESPN, Nickelodeon and Comedy Central. Which brings me to my “PMS Channel Movie Title Generator” (choose one from each column).
| Shattered | Hearts |
| Betrayed | Vows |
| Cruel | Dreams |
| Deceptive | Promises |
| Broken | Justice |
| Deadly | Kisses |
| Abandoned | Innocence |
| Fatal | Obsession |
| Guilty | Secrets |
| Scandalous | Passion |
The scripts are even easier because they’re all basically the same. The biggest challenge is picking a powerful yet trendy, go-get-em-girl sort of name for the heroine. “Erica” and “Alex(a)” are good for this purpose; “Tiffany” and “Kiki” are not. Okay, as for the story, there is a woman and she has this happily, blissfully perfect life, tra la la. Then there is a man who does something unutterably horribly vile to irrevocably destroy her perfect life and wound her so deeply that she will never recover, NEVER. Now, here is the important part: Erica has to suffer a lot but she suffers not because of circumstance, her own choices or just luck of the draw. No, she suffers because men are pond scum. Eventually, through much suffering, she realizes this and thus achieves EMPOWERMENT. Then a man arrives who is, in spite of the odds, not pond scum. Erica doesn’t trust him but he wins her over by fixing her gutters or moving some heavy furniture or something. Now she is even more happy in her blissful perfect new life than before, because she knows firsthand the alternatives. Tra la la.
Hmm...maybe I can placate Robert by offering to do a Lifetime Movie with him.
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