Some excitement around the old homestead! I’m relaxing in my bubble bath after a long, arduous evening of watching my new Invader Zim DVD when the phone rings. Although such action runs counter to my normal stance on the importance of bubble baths and relaxation, I heaved myself up out of the scented water and dripped to the kitchen to answer it, mainly because I had a couple calls in to The Sibling, [scroll about halfway down] with whom I desperately needed to talk about a few problems, so I figured it was him - who else calls me at 11:30 on a weeknight? Relia-Co, that’s who! Though it was news to me, Relia-Co is evidently the latest in a long series of security system monitoring companies servicing The Hellhole.

Throughout this conversation, the dude is speaking in an overdone, excited tone of great drama - imagine Joey Tribbiani auditioning for a cop show.

Relia-Co Dude: Should I send the police? Are you all right?
Me: Uh...yeah - why wouldn’t I be?
Relia-Co Dude: This is Relia-Co! I’m showing a breach in Zone Five!
Me: Nothing’s happening.
Relia-Co Dude: There’s a ZONE FIVE BREACH!
Me: The alarm didn’t go off.
Relia-Co Dude: It did over here! Do you need the police?
Me: For what? It isn’t even making that “put in your code right now or I’ll scream” whine.
Relia-Co Dude: Check Zone Five!
Me: I didn’t even know I HAD a Zone Five. I’ve never seen Five or Six light up before.
Relia-Co Dude: It’s probably an interior motion sensor.
Me: That’s Zone Three.
Relia-Co Dude: Are you sure about that?
Me: Well, yeah. I’ve been bypassing Zone Three every night for the past decade or so. You’d have probably noticed before this if I was bypassing the wrong zone.
Relia-Co Dude (suspiciously): Is this Helly Braxton-Hayes?
Me (perhaps you should have wondered about that before now): Yes it is.
Relia-Co Dude (even more suspiciously): What’s your password?
Me [bloody hell! - what IS my password?]: Scotch, probably. If it’s not that, it’s Finnovar.
Relia-Co Dude: Yeah, it’s ‘Scotch’. What’s that other thing you said? What does that mean?
Me: Finnovar. Finnovar is my cat’s name. It’s from Celtic mythology.
Relia-Co Dude: Oh, cool. Is “Helly” really your name?
Me: Yeah, it is.
Relia-Co Dude: Oh. I thought it must be “Kelly” and they’d made a typo on your account.
Me: Nope, it’s “Helly”.
Relia-Co Dude: Where does that come from?
Me: It’s Celtic too, Scottish, actually. Up-Helly-Aa, an annual festival of drunkenness and pyromania.
Relia-Co Dude: COOL! Hey, are you Scottish?

Ten gazillion surly service personnel in this world, and I get the ONE friendly guy, on the one night I’m standing dripping wet, buck-nekkid in my kitchen. Which I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want our relationship to descend into one of THOSE phone calls.

Relia-Co and I are still trying to figure out where the hell Zone Five is and what the heck is open/askew/out of place because I can’t get it to reset and therefore I can’t arm my security system. Oh, and if anyone reads this and concludes that now would be a good time to burglarize the Hellhole, let me dispel that notion. The security system monitored by Relia-Co is merely a backup to the security system serviced by Glock, and since the backup isn’t working, the primary security system is on High Alert, if you take my meaning. Not to mention the auxiliary security system, my vicious attack Shih-Tzu, who has bitten more than one person. Shih-Tzu bites are very dangerous and some have even been known to break the skin.