Today’s entry is partly in honor of my friend Nancy as I would like to do my part to help her little son Anthony learn his A-B-C’s, and partly for those of you who have never been fortunate enough to read anything by the late great Edward Gorey. If you think this is funny, go out NOW and buy the original (today’s entry is available as part of the larger compilation “Amphigorey”) because his wonderful illustrations make it about 10 gajillion times funnier. Without further ado, I present “THE GASHLEYCRUMB TINIES” by Edward Gorey:

A is for AMY who fell down the stairs.
B is for BASIL assaulted by bears.
C is for CLARA who wasted away.
D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach.
F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech.
G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug.
H is for HECTOR done in by a thug.
I is for IDA who drowned in a lake.
J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake.
K is for KATE who was struck with an axe.
L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks.
M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea.
N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui.
O is for OLIVE run through with an awl.
P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire.
R is for RHODA Consumed by a fire.
S is for SUSAN who perished of fits.
T is for TITUS who flew into bits.
U is for UNA who slipped down a drain.
V is for VICTOR squashed under a train.
W is for WINNIE embedded in ice.
X is for XERXES devoured by mice.
Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in.
Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin.