I'm totally in love with a television show, a most unusual occurrence in my life. Top Gear has been on the BBC for years, airing in its current fabulous format since 2002, but BBC America just started showing it this year and I am totally hooked. So is Alan, who really could not care less about cars (he likes the kind that run) - but he loves this show as much as I do; it's truly just that great!

On the show, they test, rate and review both high-performance sports cars and standard consumer cars, everything from the £7000 Toyota Aygo to the rather more expensive Mercedes CLK AMG (£89,500 or so). They also have segments like "Star In A Reasonably Priced Car" where celebrities from Dame Helen Mirren to Simon Cowell to Jennifer Saunders to James Blount take a turn on the track in a totally crap car I'd never be seen in reasonably priced car (now it's a Chevrolet Lacetti; used to be a Suzuki Liana). Their times are posted on a rankings board. Throughout it all, the three hosts joke and snark at each other in a truly hilarious manner, they make political jokes about Ken Livingston, they work in subtle touches of satire. And oh! how they hate the traffic wombles! It's darned near Python-esque.

The best part, as far as I'm concerned, is the stunts/races. In one episode, the guys had to race through London to the airport during morning rush hour. The idea was to see who'd reach the airport first: James May driving a Mercedes GL SUV, Richard "Hamster" Hammond on a racing bike, Jeremy Clarkson in a speed boat along the Thames or mysterious masked racing driver "The Stig" on public transport. Another great race had the guys, including The Stig, piloting a diesel BMW 330 in the 24-hour endurance race at Silverstone. Since they didn't have any real sponsors, they painted their car with fake ones: Peniston Oil and Larsen Biscuits. When the doors of the car were open, one said "Penis" and one said "Arse". I found that most amusing.

In a great stunt I saw this weekend, they recruited other professional drivers to test the speed and handling of the aforementioned Toyota Aygo in the ultimate challenge: playing five-a-side with an enormous football. One of my favorites started with a debate about the quality - or lack thereof - of British Leyland, so on a budget of £1200 each, Jeremy bought a Rover SD-1, James a Leyland Princess and Richard a Triumph Dolomite. [On a total side/unrelated note, perhaps because I didn't grow up hearing it as a car name, 'dolomite' sounds to me like it ought to mean not an automobile, but a practitioner of some unspeakable sexual perversion, e.g., "Oscar may be a sodomite but he's wicked funny, so we'll still invite him to our dinner party. Ralph, on the other hand, is an admitted dolomite! We certainly can't have that sort at our table!"] Er, well, anyway, back to the British Leyland competition: tests included setting the parking brake while on a major embankment and hoping it would hold (which worked out better for some than for Hamster), driving across cobblestones with a basket of eggs suspended over their heads, losing points for broken eggs and earning points for eggs left whole, which tested ride comfort, and filling the entire interior of the cars with water - the guys breathed through snorkels sticking out the drivers' windows - then driving as far as they could around the racetrack until the water level sank below the steering wheel (testing both performance and build quality). And one of my favorite side bits has The Stig relaxing in the pool at Ascari on a float, dressed in full racing gear. His girlfriend swims across the pool in the background, a lovely girl in a bikini, wearing a full-face racing helmet.

Check it out if you get a chance. Lots of clips and hilarity are available on You Tube, if you don't live in the UK or happen to get BBC America. It's WONDERFUL. Out of everything available, I highly recommend this bit. Go on, click on the delicious linkage - you won't be sorry, even if you're not an auto enthusiast. Enjoy! And don't call me on Mondays at 8PM. I'm busy.