And now, the last chapter in the saga of my odd neighbors: after the flaming departure of Shouting Redneck Family, the house was vacant for some time. Eventually the owner rented it to three or four different tenants, none of whom stayed for very long. Only one of these had an odd habit, which was setting off firecrackers extremely late at night, probably while under the influence of mood-enhancing substances. That guy either got tired of the elderly neighbors calling the cops when Firecracker Time disturbed their rest, or got busted. He didn’t call me for bail, so I was cool with it either way. The house stayed vacant for an even longer period and then, this summer, the Door-Slammin’ Family From Outer Space arrived!

This family consists of a man, a woman and three kidlets. I’m not good at kidlets but I’m guessing eleven, eight and five. That’s five people, they have two cars, both four-door models. Well, each and every time one of those cars returns home, there is far more car-door-slamming than there are cars, car doors or people to account for it. I’d noticed this in a vague sort of way, wondering now and then if there was a party or something going on over there, but hadn’t given it much conscious attention until a couple of weeks ago. That night the air currents were ideal or something, I don’t know, but I heard a car door slam, sounding as though it were in my driveway. I wasn’t expecting anyone so I got up, walked through the kitchen to the garage and scoped my driveway. I saw nothing, but the point is that the car-door slamming was going on steadily the entire time I was walking, looking out, wandering back to my living room, etc. I thought, "Could that be next door? It sure sounded like it was right here...” I looked over but only their two cars were there, no sign of occupants or additional visitors. And this was A LOT of door slamming. I thought it odd, but with a plethora of self-oriented things to occupy my time, I didn’t recall the incident until another evening when the slamming went on for a really long time. While counting, I ran out of fingers - and I only started counting after it had gone on long enough for me to think, “WTF is up?!?”! Again I went to spy and again, it was only the two cars.

Yet a third incident occurred over the weekend, when the car-door-slammin’ went on and on. And on. I asked Alan, “What could they possibly be DOING? Is it like, each kid that gets out of the car shuts the door, then the parent has to check to make sure it’s really shut, and then the next kid is allowed to get out?” The slammin’ math only works if every time a door opens, the trunk springs ajar and has to be slammed - and if each person forgets at least one thing in the car and has to go back for it. I don’t care, in a ‘to each his own’ sense and it doesn’t bother me, particularly; I just wonder what possible scenario could necessitate that much car-door-slammin’ each and every time one of those cars arrives home. Perhaps they shut the trunk each time one grocery bag is removed from the back, fearing that in the huge block of time it takes to walk five steps to their kitchen door, lurking vandals will abscond with their instant oatmeal...I can’t figure it out. I need binoculars. And a lot more cats.

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!