I like to read “The Blotter” column in our local newspaper, Creative Loafing. “The Blotter” consists of items from actual Atlanta police reports and appeals to me because human weirdness and stupidity never cease to amaze me. Over the years, I’ve become blasé toward recurring themes such as the guy who calls police because his drug dealer shorted him and offers up his recent purchase as proof. The ones that never cease to blow my mind usually have to do with a domestic disturbance or a fight, and the victim's statement goes something like this: a woman on Grant Street reported that she and her boyfriend got into an argument over visitation of their two-year-old daughter. The boyfriend became enraged, smashed two windows in the house and stole the woman’s VCR. The woman says she does not know the boyfriend’s address or last name but he is six feet tall and goes by the street name of ‘Junebug’.

Seriously - at least once or twice a month, there will be a story about someone who doesn’t know anything but the ‘street name’ of their boyfriend, girlfriend, child’s parent, roommate, landlord, in-laws, etc.

Similarly, you’ll see a number of theft reports with the theme of a person answering a knock at their door and allowing ‘Junebug’ into their apartment to use the bathroom, then going to take a nap and upon awakening, discovering to their shock and dismay that ‘Junebug’ is gone, along with their DVD player, laptop computer and microwave. Those usually end with the victim saying that he knows ‘Junebug’ to be a homeless crackhead that hangs around the neighborhood. I don't know about you, but I frequently go take a nap while a crackhead is loose in my house. I can’t imagine what makes the victim think this behavior is a good idea but I do kinda wonder what someone that stupid would DO with a DVD player or a microwave, much less a laptop. I mean, could the kind of person who would (a) go take a nap with a junkie in their house with their valuables and (b) BE SURPRISED when said junkie rips them off really manage to operate a DVD player?!?

Those were just examples, but here’s a real one. This one is not as extreme since the woman in question hasn’t actually had children with “Binky”, but still - I often loan my car to people I don’t know, don’t you? "On Gun Club Road, a 26-year-old woman said she loaned her car to an acquaintance named "Binky" so he could go to the store. The next day, Binky still hadn't returned with her car (a 1985 Mercury Cougar). The woman told police that she had no idea what Binky's real name is, or where Binky lived. She had just met Binky earlier that week. Binky was described as age 20-25, with a gold tooth (or teeth) and a crew cut."

To Binky’s credit, I think it shows great courage to thieve a car from someone who lives on “Gun Club Road”. I rather suspect that Binky wasn’t going to the store so much as he was going to the open-air pharmacy - if you know what I mean - but I can’t prove that. I don’t even know Binky. I do know Junebug, though, and if you need a microwave or a DVD player, I can hook you up. He’s over at his babymama’s on Grant Street right now - if you borrow Punkin’s car, we can probably catch him.

MONTOYA DELENDA EST!